unraveling.

hot.

2011-10-07T17:41:00.000+08:00

When I get upset or mad and force myself not to think about it or force myself not to cry, my cheeks get hot and flushed and red.

I am angry because I feel like I just got screwed by the people I love. And while I understand that everything was purely unintentional and circumstantial, the only person walking away unhappy is me.

Because of circumstance. Because of the things I said.

Sick. Don't know what to do now.

These blog entries need to get happier. Stupid blog. Stupid me.

seedling.

2011-05-09T12:51:00.001+08:00

It is getting increasingly difficult to be a good daughter, good girlfriend and good engineer all rolled into one.

Sometimes I feel like my life revolves around the people around me. My job, my parents, my friends, my boyfriend. "Anything you want, you got it." I strive so hard to make everyone around me happy, to be there for them. Every now and then a person or two is left out. I keep saying that I need to take a break, but I don't really feel like I have.

Why do people say things that hurt? Why do people lash out at you, and then walk away to go about the rest of their day as if nothing's happened, but it has? It hurts more when its the people you love who do this to you.

Sometimes I feel like telling them, "Do you know the things that you say hurt a lot?" but I'm worried that they will reply with, "So?". And then I will be totally crushed.

I wanted to do a short entry on the elections which have just passed. Its a historic day for Singapore. Many things have happened. I voted for the first time in my life. But I'm starting to get sick of it. So many people are taking this opportunity to make it a massive complain session, lashing out at people they don't even know. The power and influence of media is getting incredibly scary. So many things are taken out of contexts these days.

Maybe when I don't feel so tired (all the time), I might just jot down my thoughts on the elections. It's been an interesting experience.

disappointed.

2011-04-04T22:30:00.001+08:00

Has it ever crossed your mind that I'm just like many women out there? Want to find someone I love, someone I want to marry, someone I want to start a family with? Other than the fact that we are of different religion, everything else is the same as what you wanted too, once upon a time. Why do you say these hurtful things when you are completely aware of the disappointment it inflicts? And when I retaliate when you say such things, you tell me I'm a disappointment. You say I've become more distant, you say it's like I don't live here anymore. But I feel so isolated because of the things you say. When I make an effort to bring you out for dinner, spend quality time with you, why must you say nasty things when all I want is to have a nice dinner with you? Whether it was intentional or not, I really don't want to know. I wish I had the courage to tell you all this face to face, but I know you'll just tell me I'm such a disappointment for saying all these things. That I don't care about how you feel.

Funny. I feel the same way too.

leave.

2011-03-24T12:21:00.000+08:00

I don't think it's a period issue. I don't think it's hormones that's making me this way. Felt like this for quite a while now.

I want to disappear. Sometimes I feel like I'm so cooped up with everyone's problems that I've lost direction of my own. I love them all dearly. I want them all to be happy. I want to help them. But I don't know what to do with my own problems. My problems didn't disappear. They're still there. I don't think I will stop putting others' needs before mine. But... I just need... I don't know.

When I had dinner with my girlfriends last night I wanted to tell them how troubled and vexed I was... But I didn't. I don't know why.

I want to take a break. I suggested going for a short weekend getaway with my girlfriends and boyfriend and his friends. But now it seems that we can't fix a date yet because everyone's got commitments. I understand.

What I want is not a weekend. I want a long break. I want a break away from everything. I feel so weighed down.

Don't know what to do.

empty.

2011-03-08T16:43:00.000+08:00

I always thought that getting married is a happy occassion.

You meet someone, fall in love, spend time together and realize he's the one you want to be with. You make plans for your home, your future together. The only problem is that we are of different religious backgrounds. I really do want to marry him. But it's been so difficult.

My parents are unhappy because they think we are intentionally choosing to buy a flat far away from them (it isn't that far really; we don't live in a big country). And that if anything happens, home will be too far away from me. But the thing is we're not intentionally trying to isolate them. Yes, we do want to lead our own lives, but the intention was never to shun anyone away. The whole bloody problem is that property is bloody expensive in Singapore, and my folks are living on a goldmine where the train station is just downstairs, and the shopping mall is just across the road. They don't believe me when I say the flats are expensive where we live now. Ok, so I was just spitting figures into the air when I told them I couldn't afford these flats. But now that I've done my homework and checked with about 5 or 6 agents, my worst fears are confirmed.

Not only is the supply extremely low in our area (duh; I wouldn't sell our flat either), the cost is extremely high. Sellers are asking anything from 40 to 50K COV cuz they know their property is hot stuff. Even for really old flats, tiny flats, flats on ground floor... This is the cost they are commanding.

When I tried to explain to my mom, she didn't really react. It's like she couldn't even be bothered.

She said she'd had a talk with my dad and they listed these conditions...

1. No changing name

2. Live near my family

3. Getting married in both religious and civil court

So I spoke to my boyfriend about it and the answer was yes, yes and yes to all the above. But we just had to find out whether we could actually do it. Which now it seems... Is getting incredibly difficult.

My folks even commented and said that we were being disrepectful cuz we didnt abide by the traditional wedding customs. Which I honestly have no idea about. And I did tell my mom. I told her outright that I am clueless about these things, so she has to tell me what she wants. And she too told me that she doesn't know. Then they turn around and tell me that we're not doing what is 'right'. The traditional customs. There's so much more... But. I don't know if it makes any sense to go on and on about it.

I don't want my parents to be unhappy. But I want to be happy too. I desperately want to be happy. I feel incredibly lonely amidst these problems. Sometimes I feel like I'm chasing an empty dream. Sometimes I feel like giving up.

I always thought it's already so difficult to find someone to settle down with. I feel like I'm being tested by someone above.

And work... Well. I've been chasing to get my job done. But I'm not really where I expected I'd be. I feel like I've been screwed royally by the people I trusted at work.

I feel like I need a break.

blankie.

2011-02-15T23:22:00.001+08:00

So it's been a while since we've embarked on this crocheting journey... I've always had an on-again off-again interest in crochet thanks to Mom, but the interest and passion was fueled last year in an attempt to make my boyfriend a scarf for our Vietnam trip. In the process of experimenting and learning, I found out that a colleague/friend also shared the same interest, which is how our little blogshop was born. It's not much, we get by selling rose bouquets and earrings and brooches... Little baby steps. We do have full time jobs afterall, so this is just a little something to keep our interests going. :)

In the meantime... I have just completed a project! Blankie for darling Shumei's niece, baby Chloe! Her sister is due this week with Chloe so the completion is in good time! I love the colour combi, worked the blankie using grandma squares.... One BIG grandma square. Was a little worried it might start getting too heavy so stopped at this size. And also cuz I was running out of yarn. Used Sirdar Snuggly series; bought 6 balls and used most of it. So prettttyyyyyyy. Decided to go with a lavendar type colour scheme instead of the usual pink for baby girls... Good choice. So soft and snuggly... Me likey. :)

Yessah. Will go back to working on our current orders... And maybe finish up my cushion covers. Long overdue. :p

you jerk!

2010-10-18T22:53:00.000+08:00

Caution: Foul blog entry ahead. Little boys and girls should not be reading this unsupervised.

So today while I was at work, one of my girlfriends brought something to my attention. Usually when we see such things online, we couldn't really care less, except maybe think, "you jerk".

But because it's MY girlfriend we're talking about, you bloody, self-centred sheep fucker.

Now I've been very courteous and polite and replaced his face with the only picture I see fit, and also I've replaced his original interests with what I felt are more... Genuine and true. The only thing I left untouched are the words listed under "Activities".

Does it make you feel good? You think it's funny? I don't care if you just randomly clicked a bunch of FB activities and that landed up on your profile page. Have some respect! You little piece of chicken shit.

While I've only met you a couple of times in school (the misfortune), my girlfriend has told me a fair bit about you, how you guys met, how you guys broke up. And while I consider it none of my business the stuff that goes on between 2 people in a relationship, I really cannot understand how a person like you can place yourself on such a high pedestal.

Singapore is too boring? Get out, and stay out. We don't need sheep fuckers like you. My girlfriend's too boring for you? Good lord, I think you were too boring for her! Do you know how incredibly unique and special she is??

(I actually wasn't this angry when I saw the FB page this afternoon, but after dinner, I'm really riled up now).

You are the type of guy who tramples on the feelings of others just to feel high and mighty, and that's how you will always feel good about yourself. It's not cuz you're an accomplished person, not cuz you've achieved much in life, but because you've gotten by putting others down.

You know you have mutual friends. You know. And yet, you cannot practice a wee little bit of discretion. So you feel good? Making someone else feel lousy? DO YOU?

(Somehow I really wish he were reading this).

The world doesn't revolve around you and your pretty new princess. Wake up. And while my girlfriend will get along with her life just fine, you will always find means and ways to make people feel small, just so you can feel big (probably the only thing big about you anyway). My girlfriend will go on and pursue her dreams and ambitions, and you will always be wondering how to overcome your ~~erectile dysfunction~~ small penis.

(deep breath in).

So yes, I have dedicated this entry to blasting you online, since my girlfriend was too generous and kind to do so. I, on the other hand, am not as nice, and not as generous.

Goodnight.

adroitly.

2010-10-14T14:43:00.000+08:00

Energetic Doer: Career

The Energetic Doer is an extroverted Doer. You have fantastic powers of observation, which permit you to sense people’s motivations long before others do. That is the basis of your ability to gage your counterparts quickly and correctly, and adroitly respond to everybody. You also enjoy being with others, you would not be happy working in solitude. You are most effective as a team member. Your life’s elixir is dealing with other people, communication, discussions and as much action as you can get.

Here is one of your most important abilities: You are an excellent diplomat and negotiator, and especially when you need to convince others of an idea and - literally or figuratively - sell something on somebody. With your charisma, eloquence, charm and persuasiveness, you could be one of those personality types who would be able to manipulate others for your own purposes. And yet by nature, you are much too open and direct to negatively outfox someone. Any intrigue is foreign and unappealing to you.

You also astutely observe your environment, and immediately register even the smallest changes. You rarely miss anything important, because you approach everything with curiosity and interest. Your memory for details and facts is legendary. You absorb everything of interest to you like a sponge, and then store it for possible later use. Occasionally, you may not take the time to sufficiently search your memory prior to making a decision or starting a project. However, the reason for that is not that you are overlooking something, it is just that you are sometimes in too much a hurry to get going and lose your focus for the small print as a result.

This wonderful gift to perceive is also partially the basis for your famous/infamous ability as a problem solver. You quickly see what is important, and when necessary, analyze the results on the basis of your previous experience and without hesitation you choose the approach you consider the best. You proceed rationally, pragmatically, and with a cool head; sentimentality in the wrong place won’t get in your way. You see what has to be done and you do it. As a result, you are always able to assert yourself in working environments where something unpleasant needs to be done or unpopular decisions have to be taken, for instance, when a company has to be reorganized.

iPersonic Career Quiz

administrator.

2010-10-14T14:36:00.003+08:00

Not sure if I've done this before, but received the link in my email and it took less than 2 minutes... Interesting.

ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

oh crap.

2010-10-12T13:15:00.000+08:00

SMS from Mom: "Read Channelnewsasia, Health section" (referring to their website).

I didn't even have to ask her which article she was referring to.

SMS to Mom: "Oh no! No wonder I'm fat!!"

More bad news... Here.

loop.

2010-10-11T15:28:00.001+08:00

Becauase everyday is a loop.

When I was in uni, programming was one of our modules. I enjoyed it a fair bit, wasn't very good at it, managed to teach a few people some stuff, and got a C+ (I think). Yay.

We learnt something called a 'loop' function, which means the programme will finish executing all the commands in the sequence, then if there is a loop function, it will go to the top and start running all over again. Same thing, over and over again. Unless there is a command to terminate it, or some sequence that doesn't allow the programme to run to the end. Then the loop is broken.

So it's been like this for a long time now. Everyday I wake up at 5.30am, snooze, dawdle, then head on to shower at about 5.45am... Check in with My Boyfriend what train he's on, catch the train, head to work, complain about work, bash through work, sometimes I work late, sometimes I don't, sometimes when we're lucky, I catch a movie & have dinner with My Boyfriend, then go home. Ah! I am home before 10! Can't get to sleep, watch some shows on my laptop... Oh bother. It's 11.30pm already... Time to sleep time to sleep. Shut those eyes, I command you!

And then it's another day.

On the days where we're lucky enough (or determined enough), I get to enjoy simple pleasures with My Boyfriend, or My Besties. Dinner, movie, nice chat... Y'know what I really want?

I want to not work on Saturdays. I wanna go for a picnic at Marina Barrage with My Boyfriend. I wanna go to Hort Park for a walk. On Saturdays. But nooooo. I've had the strange blessing of working on Saturdays for the past year and a half.

"But you got OT pay what!" I hear some of you say.

Hello? Which do I prefer? Hmm... Let's see now. Working every Saturday (woefully it has now been enforced upon us to work on Saturdays) for a token sum of money, or having the freedom to do whatever I want? Oh gee. Tough choice. Hmm.

But that aside.

Over the past few weeks, I've had the pleasure of dining at some very lovely places.

1. Griller at Tiong Bahru Plaza. Seemingly quiet location, My Boyfriend and I decided to give it a shot cuz we've been at Tiong Bahru Plaza pretty often, and have seen the restuarant often enough... So we thought why not. The food is pretty reasonably priced, I love the ambience and the settings... Very classically vintage. The tables, the plates... And it's quiet! Or it was, while we were having dinner. Good service. My Boyfriend had lamb stew, I had something that reminded me of seafood paella. And chicken & corn soup. Sedap. Two thumbs up!

2. Imperial Treasures Steamboat Restaurant at Triple One. Very traditional Chinese restaurant. Very much on the pricey end, but food is very fresh, and the wide variety of choices, be it in terms of soup base, seafood, poultry, etc. We had an abundance of veg, mushrooms, pork liver & kidney, fresh abalone (which was a bit bland, actually), balls (sotong, mushroom, etc.), wantons... The coral trout was very fresh. The fish body is served together with its sliced meat, so we threw in the entire fish to flavour the drunken chicken soup. Stewing together with all those prawns and chicken and veggie... The soup is best drunk at the end. Slurp.

3. I cannot remember the name at Great World City. Cantonese cuisine. Goose tongue! As well as roasted pigeon. Unusual choices, but oh so good.

[Hmm. There is a problem with my uploader. Will upload pix soon. ]

goodbye.

2010-10-08T13:42:00.000+08:00

It always saddens me to learn of someone's passing, whether or not I know the person personally. I'm not entirely sure why, but they just make me feel sad.

I learnt about Mrs Lee's passing on the news over the last weekend, but did not pay special attention to it on telly. Today during lunch time, I read MM Lee, PM Lee & Mr. Lee Hsien Yang's eulogies to Mrs. Lee. ("One Last Goodbye" on Straits Times)

I think many times when we look at ministers, politicians, etc., we forget that they are people too. If you read the eulogies, you get a very clear insight into how human they are. I'm not saying they are inhuman... Just... Far away. Y'know what I mean?

The eulogies were deeply moving, very sad, very sincere. To a certain extent, they inspire you too.

From MM Lee's eulogy:

"I have precious memories of our 63 years together. Without her, I ould be a different man, with a different life. She devoted herself to me and our children. She was always there when I needed her. She has lived a life full of warmth and meaning.

I should find solace at her 89 years of her life well lived. But at this moment of the final parting, my heart is heavy with sorrow and grief."

From PM Lee's eulogy:

"Loving but strict, she enforced clear rules, encouraged us to do well, and took pride in our successes. She kept the first school prize that I ever won, for doing well in kindergarten – a pencil sharpener in the shape of tiny trophy, in the display cabinet at home. It is still there today."

From Mr. Lee Hsien Yang's eulogy:

"In October 2003, soon after Papa’s 80th birthday, sadly, Mama suffered her first stroke. This stroke left her much weaker and fragile. That she was less mobile and could not do many things for herself was a source of tremendous frustration for her. Although Papa had been accustomed to being looked after by his mother during his childhood and youth, and by Mama after they got married, they now reversed roles. From the outset, Papa helped, cajoled and encouraged her in her rehabilitation. He continued to care for her with an infinite amount of patience, love, kindness and good humour. He adjusted his routine to accommodate her changing circumstances and physical condition. His abiding love, devotion and care must have been a great comfort to her, and an inspiration to Fern and me on how marriage is a life long partnership, through good health and illness.

When we married in 1981, Papa wrote Fern and me a letter with advice on marriage. Of his relationship with Mama he said “... we have never allowed the other to feel abandoned and alone in any moment of crises. Quite the contrary, we have faced all major crisis in our lives together, sharing our fears and hopes, and our subsequent grief or exultation. These moments of crises have bonded us closer together. With the years, the number of special ties which we two share have increased. Some of them we share with the children.” Papa has lived this love and commitment throughout these last difficult years."

Sigh.

63 years together.

time.

2010-08-30T13:11:00.001+08:00

It's Monday. It's 30th August already. Where's the time gone? I just blinked and August is over.

Then comes September. I am eagerly looking forward to the end of this project, but worried that this year might have gone by so quickly that I haven't stopped to appreciate the good things.

Ms Zhong is coming back to Singapore next month and she is confuzzled by many things. Well. One thing. Or rather... One person. I am happy for the way things are turning out for her currently. Let's hope all things turn out well. Very much looking forward to her coming back. :)

In other news... I am very much looking forward to Hanoi with The Boyfriend! I think we both need a break from work... To just kick back and be with each other. Ms Zhong & Ms Ang have politely declined... So now just awaiting confirmation with The Boyfriend's friends.

We plan to go to Hanoi, Halong Bay (overnight) and Sapa (overnight)! Very very excited about the whole thing... Overnight train ride, overnight boat ride... At quite a reasonable price too. Sometimes it pays to do a bit more homework and suss out the better deals. Let's hope things go as planned. :) Want to wake up to watch sunrise on the deck with you (I promise I will try to wake up early!) while floating in Halong Bay, then have nice warm breakfast in the cool weather... Explore mountainous villages and terraced plains. These trips feel so much more exciting when I know they're with you. :)

Sometimes I think my ranting and venting online affects my loved ones more than I think. I honestly don't mean for it to... Really.

It is inexplicably cold in the office. Ugh.

hidden.

2010-08-25T09:59:00.001+08:00

When 2 people spend too much time together, do you think they start to take each other for granted?

I was promised something on my birthday, which I didn't get. And knowing how busy and tired you are, I decided not to make a big deal out of it. But it bothers me. Because it was supposed to be one of the things that you remember for the rest of your life.

A lot of things I try to brush aside because I know that I tend to be petty at times. But this...

Don't know how to make this feeling go away.

disappointments.

2010-08-21T08:57:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I cannot help but feel slightly disappointed at the things around me. I know I have plenty to be thankful for. I have a job, I have a loving partner, I have friends that care about me, my family cares about me, I am more or less healthy (albeit the weight problems which are entirely my own doing)... And yet sometimes when life doesn't go as you planned, you can't help but feel dismayed.

It's been a really challenging period. Difficult, even. Sometimes I want to cry but I can't. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I tell myself that I just got to suck it in.

Sometimes I just want to take a break from everything. But when?

There are just some things you can't take a break from.

I don't know how long this phase will last. The work stuff I can deal with, but it's the other stuff that I think will take a long time to settle...

These days more and more, I feel I can no longer have the same mentality as in the past. I used to be cynical and mostly pessimistic (if things can go wrong, they will). But now... If I keep the glass-is-half-empty mentality, I think I will go into depression. So I force myself to be slightly more optimistic.

When people ask me how's my work, I say it's a challenging job. When people ask 'how's everything?', I always say 'good'. Not cuz it's a standard answer, but I think there's no point in elaborating, and it's generally okay. When things don't go as planned, I try to keep my spirits up and figure out how to go about settling the problem. I try. But there are some days these things just hit you so hard you don't even feel like trying.

I'm rambling.

Okay.

So it's the week after my 26th birthday. It was a sad birthday (though there were plenty of very happy celebrations before and after the actual day). On my birthday, I got sick (got the runs), went to the doctor and came back to work. It was on a Monday and it seemed busier than usual. Y'know. Mondays. Crazy stressful. No birthday cake this year. But there was a birthday breakfast muffin (see? trying to give a little smile although I was disappointed). I went home and cried cuz I was tired and sad and frustrated and lost. Such a wuss sometimes.

But The Boyfriend brought me out for dinner the evening before, and made reservations at a nice quiet place. We enjoyed stuffing our faces very much. I appreciate that he made these arrangements. It may seem like a small thing, but it's the small things that count.

And we finally managed to have a family dinner last Saturday, although it was awkward. But the food was great.

Yesterday I had a very nice dinner with The Bee. It was very very very nice to see her again after so long. It felt warm and familiar, except that huge ass rock she was wearing on her ring finger (congrats again!!). Very happy for her. Well, for us. :)

And today Ms Ang will be bringing me for a musical (Boeing Boeing), which I am actually looking forward to. Haven't been for a play or musical in quite a while (the last one I saw with Ms Zhong was The Vagina Monologues, which was awesome). And then for another 'night activity' (Ms Ang insists it's a surprise, though the musical was also meant to be a suprise). And then for night fishing with The Boyfriend and his pals!

It's the little things that put a smile on your face. :)

agfa.

2010-08-07T16:22:00.002+08:00

Original photo

Agfa film filter applied.

I think the past year has just flown right by... While I had a good 2009, I've been struggling with 2010 so far. Work has become increasingly challenging, which I think I am still enjoying.

We've started struggling a little bit financially as we're starting to make plans for our future now... Getting married, new home, etc. The grown up stuff. Which is why I think... Growing up sucks. Firstly you need to think before you spend on anything now... What with the pay we're getting. And the very strange trend is... While the prices of diamonds (and engagement rings) are dropping very quickly this period... The prices of housing is skyrocketing. Out of control. We're not yet in a hurry to find a home, maybe next year, but still... It's expensive to get married, it's expensive to get a home.

But then again... It's only expensive if you can't afford it. So if we both had high paying jobs, we're all set.

And then again... This is easier said than done. But this is a boring story. So forget it. I will just hope that we both find higher paying jobs soon.

And in even more dismal matters, things have been rocky at home. No matter how old you are, you'll always be your parents' kids. And y'know... The ugly stuff that goes on between the 'adults' will always affect the 'kids'. I thought that at my age, I'd be able to shrug it off and say, y'know what, I recognize that this is an adult problem and that these things happen all the time... But no la! How can you accept it?? It's disappointing, infuriating and frustrating. Mostly disappointing. For my brother and I. Sigh.

In recent months, there's been a new addition to the already sizeable team, and we're both working on the costing front. She's younger than me, confident and very easy to talk to. It's amazing how many little things we have in common.

Yizhuang has been in China for quite a few months now, due to return in September. So it's been just me and Shiyuan for the past few months. She's offered to take me out this Monday for my birthday (since it's a public holiday) and again 2 weeks later for my birthday part deux.

2 more months to go before the project ends (hopefully). Well, physically on site anyways. We'll still be working on clearing the final accounts for a long time to come. Maybe by next Feb we'll be done? (fingers crossed). I am very much looking forward to the end of this project. It has been a gruelling (nearly) two years. Ugh.

Thinking of taking a short trip overseas at the end of the year... But budget trip. We were thinking of Hanoi, since we enjoyed it so much the last time. Maybe we'll stay overnight on their boat this time... Hmm.

Spotted at east coast park.

Agfa filter applied again. Lots of papercups after the adidas sundown run the day before.

Oil spill clean-up at east coast.

Oh-so-wonderful fried carrot cake. Love.

Spotted this on our way out. Tattered wing.

Keychain charm on yuan's pouch.

Tilt shift effect.

lost.

2010-04-19T12:48:00.000+08:00

It's been a very frustrating period of time.

I feel lost and frustrated with no one to turn to.

There are so many things I want to share with you, but now I don't know if you'd be interested. There are so many things I want to do for you, but now I don't know if I should. I'm not sure what's gone wrong, but something feels amiss. It's more than just being tired at work or sleep deprivation.

I don't know how to reach out to you. I'm not sure if I'm trying hard enough, but I've tried.

It's been a long time since I've started to feel lonely.

fed up.

2010-04-17T12:53:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

camomile.

2010-04-12T22:40:00.001+08:00

This is what it should be like everyday after work.

You come home, take a relaxing shower.... These days I prefer a cool shower cuz the weather's really been acting up.

After that, light your favourite incense.

Then... Tuck your legs into Osim iSqueeze, put on a couple of cucumber mask patches over your eyes, and relax for the next 20 minutes. (lucky for me my dad put the iSqueeze at the edge of the bed... :)) Knead your troubles away! And then apply your favourite moisturizer or overnight mask. Currently using Face Shop's Ice Flower. Which is so light and fluffy and makes your skin feel so... Light and fluffy.

Then... Half a cup of camomile tea. Helps to relax... But not too much cuz water retention rate at night is high.

(And try not to think of the fact that it's only Monday.)

This is how it should be every night.

Unfortunately, it is not every night that I have the energy to do all these things. Especially after work. But tonight, I think I will sleep well. :)

vietnam.

2010-04-03T22:52:00.002+08:00

Things to remember when travelling to Vietnam...

1. Always always always check the weather. We kinda figured that we'd be able to handle the cold cuz the last we checked, it was about 18 degrees in Hanoi. Wrong. The temperature went down to 14 degrees and we were all decked out in berms. Had to get some coldwear and some ugly gloves. That said, we were also told that when the weather gets warm in Hanoi, it's even hotter than in Ho Chi Minh.

2. If you're travelling during the period of Tet, book waaaaaay in advance. Tet's the equivalent of Singapore's Lunar New Year festival, and usually all flights and trains and buses are fully booked cuz of people traveling to and from Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh (mostly). Otherwise, be prepared for an expensive detour.

3. You'll get better exchange rates for the Vietnamese dong when you're in Vietnam. We got a much better exchange rate (USD to dong) compared to what the airport was offering.

We loved it in Vietnam... Everything enthralled us. The food, the hospitality, the history and the culture. We walked the streets and found our way to Hoan Kiem Lake, had a quiet dinner, then visited Halong Bay the next day. Halong Bay is gorgeous... And really really takes your breath away. Apart from the sights and sounds of Hanoi, the people there are really warm and generous too. When Anas had a tummy upset, one of the guys working in the hotel (Hanoi Phoenix 2) walked with us to the pharmacy and helped us get meds. Anas was all better after that. Knowing we were stuck in Hanoi (we were trying to get to Ho Chi Minh), he also tried to help us commute via various routes, but cuz it was Tet period, we had no choice but to fly to Nha Trang, and then take a bus to Ho Chi Minh from there (or at least, that was the plan).

When we got to Nha Trang, our bodies were back in working condition as the temperature was warmer than in Hanoi. And cooler than in Singapore too. There wasn't much for us to do and we didn't intend to stay long, so after an overnight stopover, we made our way to HCMC. The initial plan had been to take the local bus, which would have taken us about 10 hours. But all the buses were full til the evening... So we decided to take a cab. To HCMC. Very. Very. Expensive.

When we finally got to HCMC, the weather was pretty much like Singapore. We stayed at Kim Hotel, and Kim was friendly and very very helpful, and gave us ideas on how to make the most of our short trip there. She also helped to book us seats on a bus ride to Phnom Penh. We visited the Tunnels of Cuchi, War Remnants Museum, Independence Palace, Notre Dame Church, the train station, and this fast food joint that reminded us of KFC.

It's difficult to pick just a few photos to post online cuz we took hundreds... But just a few to share.

the first cuppa in vietnam. strong black cofffee. coffee in vietnam is an absolute must-try.

our first stop... hoan kiem lake in hanoi.

taken at hoan kiem lake.

en route to halong bay.

very interesting mountains and formations.

tien cong (the stalagmite caves) at halong bay.

the beaches of nha trang.

just outside our hotel in ho chi minh.

the tunnels of cu chi.

at the war remnants museum.

uncle ho at the independence palace.

independence palace.

notre dame cathedral.

adieu.

2010-04-01T00:30:00.002+08:00

Parting is such sweet sorrow. Bade farewell to 2 colleagues today. Valenie's last day was today, and KC's tomorrow. Of course everyone's really happy for them that they've moved on to something they were really looking for. But it's still a bit sad, the friendships forged over a period of time.

Since the last time our team was demobilized after our previous project, I told myself that I shouldn't get too attached to the people I work with. While it sounds very cold and hard, there are reasons why I try to keep a certain distance.

When our team was demoblized after the previous project, I felt like a part of my family was being disintegrated. Well, okay. That's a little exaggerated. Maybe a part of my second family. Cuz these are the people I've worked with for a year and a half, have been through the toughest times at work with, and have shared the fruits of our labour with. We've laughed and shouted and argued and cried (well, just me), and it just felt really sad that we wouldn't be moving on together. It was like a well-oiled car that was being stripped down and sold for parts.

It started off with some of our original team members moving on to the newer projects. Things started to get a little dull, what with the work load lessening as well. Then it was my turn to move on as well. When it was finally time to pack my things and move out of the site office, I felt really really sad. I'm not sure why, but it just felt so final.

Some of my colleagues told me that because it was my first time, it was normal to feel that way. And I told myself that I don't want to have to feel this way everytime a project team is demobilized. So the best way was probably just to maintain a cordial distance.

When I came to this current project in Feb 2010... It was the perfect setting to do just that. People just generally didn't have time to socialize. And given the nature of our work, dealing with our clients, etc., people just weren't as warm and friendly. There wasn't much time to make idle chat (which is why it irked me when other people did so), there wasn't much time to mingle and foster strong bonds, everything was just gogogogo right from the start.

And then I got to know a few colleagues whom I could seek help from. Get their advice from time to time. And the thing is, the worse the shit is, the more of this camaraderie comes alive. We indulge in each other's nagging and complaints, cuz that's the only stress relief we have, and then we move on trying to find solutions. Which I really appreciate. Unfortunately, there are still many many aspects of work which make it extremely challenging, and sometimes, demoralizing. But that's another issue.

So yes, while I think I have become somewhat desansitized (is that how it's spelt?) to people leaving, I still feel a little tingle of sadness that like-minded team-mates have moved on.

Things have been very very stressful since we returned from our 2 week break. Work's been crazier than ever, and I feel like I'm being put to the test and flunking every subject I take. Just that unlike in school where you can re-take the subject the next semester, you don't get a second chance at work.

There are many many pros and cons with this project. I have learnt a lot through interaction with the many bosses I work under, the many peers that I have, and the various clients we have to deal with daily. Many lessons are difficult, but those are the ones you remember (hopefully). I've learnt to have a bit more confidence in myself (earlier on) and I've learnt that sometimes you just don't know (like recently). And because of the way things have been panning out, I find myself losing momentum and motivation.

I've also come to realize that, in my opinion, the definition of the ideal career woman isn't determined by how high up the corporate ladder she climbs, but how well she balances her work and her personal life (family, partner, spouse, friends, health, etc.). Cuz it's really really getting more and more difficult. It's a total dilemma.

Here's how I see it. At my age, if I don't go all out to do well at my job (or at least try), then when am I gonna do so? I'm turning 26 this year and I think that adults at this age (or around this range) should be approaching their prime. So this is the uphill arduous task at hand. To shine. To excel. To strive.

BUT. Then comes the other part of life. The settling down. The needing to take care of your physical and mental health, cuz like it or not, your body ages pretty rapidly too. So how do you tell when enough is enough? How do you decide when you can say, ah screw it, I'll just leave that for tomorrow. If you can do it today, why not bloody well do it today??

It's a perpetual dilemma for me. But in recent months, I think I'm starting to get it. I think people need to focus on what's important to them. I asked a particular colleague in a much worse situation lately, 'what do you think is worse, losing your job or losing your wife?'

It's so easy to talk, really. And I'm great at talking. I can analyze the crap out of your situation and give advice. But honey, talk is cheap. It really isn't that easy. You just want people to believe that it is when they ask you for advice.

(how'd I wind up at this topic anyway?)

(okay it's 12.50am and I need to be up in 5 hours... enough ranting.)

So bye bye Val... bye bye KC. It's been really really really nice knowing you guys. KC, I will miss your dry sense of humour. Val, I will miss your girliness-mixed-with-garangness.

at last...

2010-03-21T08:56:00.003+08:00

I am blogging again.

Here I am... At work on a Sunday... again.

It has been a petrifying and very stressful few weeks. In fact, I don't recall having any easy days at work since I came back from our 2 week break. One of my bosses suggested that I cancel my leave just 5 days before I was due to fly. Obviously, I said 'no'.

Earlier this week, while we were talking, I told him that I was up to my neck in work, and he smirked, 'this is why I told you to cancel your leave.'

Couldn't help but feel annoyed. Would I have canceled my leave knowing that this would have happened? I doubt it. It's the first time I've taken such a long leave in my (almost) three years here. I was clearing my leave from 2008 (I haven't even started to clear my leave from 2009, and according to my boss, I have until Feb 2011 to do so, so there shouldn't be any hurry).

If I start to ask myself, 'why is this happening at work?'... I'd be blogging until tomorrow.

So... All that aside. During my 2 weeks' break, I went to Phuket with my family for 3D2N, and then to Vietnam & Cambodia with Anas.

Needless to say, I enjoyed myself thoroughly during my break... Although I came back with a stomach bacterial infection. Will just put up some of the photos... (since I'm actually supposed to be working..).

First up... Phuket, Patong.

We arrive at Millenium Resort in Patong.

Our private jacuzzi... That leads straight to the swimming pool. Love.

Caught sight of a lion dance troupe while we were heading out to dinner.

Dinner at Patong Seafood Restaurant.

Giant grilled prawns... Love.

Grilled lobster... Love. Wonder why it's not red though. Hmm.

Early start to the next day... Pool is all deserted.

After breakfast... We head out to the beach.

We head out to the beach... Darrel washes his shorts at sea.

Mom and Dad lounging at the beach chairs (hundreds and hundreds of them).

Soaking up the sun.

Final day... We head out to see Phang Na bay and James Bond Island!

Canoeing is the way to go. Untouched, natural landscapes, mangroves, rivers, mountains...

... And the sun beating down on you.

It is very very crowded at James Bond island.

Waiting for our guide to bring us around.

I have obviously forgotten to remove my life jacket after getting off the boat.

We venture into the caves.

Funny looking rock at James Bond island.

The sun, the us, the sea.

Vietnam and Cambodia... Next entry.

age.

2009-10-24T23:42:00.000+08:00

Went for dinner with the folks today to celebrate Darrel's birthday in advance... It's next Friday, but Dad's flying off for business trip so he won't be around for the actual day.

After dinner, we went shopping at Parkway Parade, and Dad made the very brilliant suggestion of us splitting our ways - him and Darrel went on their mansome shopping, me and Ma with our girly shopping. While on the way to the loo, I said to Ma that we were both getting incredibly old... I asked her, "Can you imagine being a grandma in like, 5 years or something? Or like, I'm at the age where I'm supposed to think about getting married and starting a family and stuff like that?! We're so old!

She paused and said... "As long as we don't look old."

Hmm.

friday.

2009-10-23T18:54:00.000+08:00

For the first time in a long time... Today finally feels like Friday again. :)

Almost everyone's left for the day in a light and happy mood. That's not to say we have no work to worry about. But today... I think we're choosing not to worry about it for the time being.

I'm a happy girl. :)

the flu.

2009-10-03T21:32:00.002+08:00

So a few weeks ago, I though it'd be good idea to start blogging again. I was doing some reading, juggling between Sun Tzu's Art of War and Love Letters by Great Men (yes yes, first inspired by Sex & The City movie). So I thought it'd be nice to share some nice stuff that I came across.

Given my working hours and the energy I spend at work, I figure I won't be blogging very often, but I'll try. I think it's good to write. Keeps the mind active.

From the time I last blogged in January to now... Things have taken a fortuitous turn. Trixie has found a lovely someone, who's sweet and kind and crappy, and things are looking good between us. There are a few obstacles that need to be overcome, but that's another story for another time. For now, I want to focus on the happy things. And you make me very happy. :)

Trixie has also joined a new project team since January, and it has been sucking the life out of me. It is uber challenging because its a new job scope for me, as compared to what I've done for the previous project, and its mentally very draining and stressful. I am always up for a good challenge, but sometimes things just get out of hand. Sometimes, I feel like giving up. But I think it's very loser-ly. And Trixie's no quitter (I think). It ain't over til the fat lady sings.

Trixie's been unwell over the weekend. Flu, sore throat, fever - the works. I hate medication. I think medicine makes you sicker!

And in a very gungho move, Trixie has started to go dragon-boating with colleagues in this workplace health programme. I've only been for the first session, but so far, I like it. Still wondering if I should row tomorrow cuz my head's still spinning. Hmm.

Good job. I managed to get a post in! :)

oscar.

2009-09-21T22:28:00.000+08:00

Oscar Wilde to Lord Alfred Douglas, sent from Courtfield Gardens, 20 May 1895:

"... Even covered with mud, I shall praise you, from the deepest abysses I shall cry to you. In my solitude you will be with me. I am determined not to revolt but to accept every outrage through devotion to love, to let my body be dishonoured so long as my soul may always keep the image of you.

From your silken hair to your delicate feet you are perfection to me. Pleasure hides love from us, but pain reveals it in its essence."

"... What wisdom is to the philosopher, what God is to his saint, you are to me. To keep you in my soul, such is the goal of this pain which men called life. O my love, you whom I cherish above all things, white narcissus in an unmown field, think of the burden which falls to you, a burden which love alone can make light.

But be not saddened by that, rather be happy to have filled with an immortal love the soul of a man who now weeps in hell, and yet carries heaven in his heart. I love, you, I love you, my heart is a rose which your love has brought to bloom, my life is a desert fanned by the delicious breeze of your breath, and whose cool spring are your eyes; the imprint of your little feet makes valleys of shade for me, the odour of your hair is like myrrh, and wherever you go you exhaule the perfumes of the cassia tree.

Love me always, love me always. You have been the supreme, the perfect love of my life; there can be no other.

I decided that iwas nobler and more beautiful to stay. We could not have been together. I did not want to be called a corward or a deserter. A false name, a disguise, a hunted life, all that is not for me, to whom you have been revealed on that high hill where beautiful things are transfigured.

O sweetest of all boys, most loved of all loves, my soul clings to your soul, my life is your life, and in all the world of pain and pleasure, you are my ideal of admiration and joy.

Oscar."

pilates.

2009-01-13T11:03:00.004+08:00

yz and i decided to sign up with amore fitness in an attempt to get fitter and healthier. yesterday we went for our first pilates class! very interesting, very challenging, finally awakened some of those muscles that we never knew existed. full body workout. which is pretty amazing cuz the workout comprises mainly of stretching and toning exercises. very excited to be going back next week.

plus we didn't pay exorbitant prices for the package. its pretty reasonable considering we're entitled to all their classes plus use of their gym.

(dear yz, i think we should stick to the beginner's class for the time being; i image-googled pilates, look what i found.)

nothing back-breaking for us at the moment please, thanks.

we also had very healthy dinners last night. i had a caesar's salad (which i love love love) and half a smoked salmon sandwich, and yz had a weird tasting ham & tomato salad. and the other half of the salmon sandwich. at newyork newyork. the caesar's salad was really really really good. the veggies were sweet and crunchy and nicely covered in dressing (not too much, just enough), which i enjoyed very much (strange, coming from meat-lover such as myself), generous portion of croutons, grilled chicken bits, sweet and crunchy onion rings and cheese shavings. overall very light and tasty. still doesn't beat the caesar's salad at harry's... but this is really really good! mmm.

speaking of food... have recently ventured into modesto's and the queen & mangosteen at vivocity. modesto's has wonderful pizzas and pastas, and i lovelovelove their pizzas because of the thin crust and the toppings. ours came with parma ham, which is so hard to find in SG. and the dessert... ohh the dessert. we had warm brownies with vanilla ice cream. king of comfort foods.

the queen & mangosteen is a british pub (although i'm not sure what's typically british of this place) that hasnt been officially launched yet, so yz and i tried their pre-launch menu. their seafood platter was very interesting; comprised of deep fried white bait, beer-battered fish fillets, grilled octopus and cold prawns. very very fresh, and each seafood had its own unique dip. we like. they also have their own beers, which i think yz had a bit too much of (i can only handle a certain amount of rambling a night honey). very nice ambience, especially the al fresco area. we will be back with yuan yuan!

we're all a little excited cuz we'll be going to australia in less than 2 weeks! according to dad's friend, who planned our itinerary... we'll be going to sydney and melbourne. we'll go to places like darling harbour, geelong, euston, airey's inlet, philip island & melbourne city. very excited because we're going see the 12 apostles and the split point lighthouse and QVM. seems like a lot to squeeze into for a 6 day trip. hmm. we'll make do.

zhuang has been talking about going to japan at the end of the year. wondering if yuan will be able to join us. i think going to japan will be awesome. we're gonna travel within asia for a while i guess, until we are financially comfortable enough to venture to europe and america. hmm. very much looking forward to them.

there's been a lot of talk about shifting of manpower between the different departments of late. such is the nature of our jobs i guess, since it's project-based. its a bit disruptive sometimes, but we just need to adjust and adapt. go where we're needed. oh well.

can't get my mind off that salad. hmm.

2009.

2009-01-02T14:58:00.004+08:00

well. it's 2009. awesome.

it's not that i'm not excited about the new year. i am. its just not starting awfully well.

usually on the 31st dec of every year, i'll write in my diary, or blog, about the year i've had. in 2007, for some reason, when the clock struck 12 to bring in 2008, i started crying. i still don't really know why.

last year, on the last day of 2008, i wasnt in any hurry to blog, or write in my diary. kind of figured that 2008 was a pretty fulfiling year. i mean, it wasn't the best. i don't think i've categorized which are the 'best' years... but i think 2008 was challenging, and i kind of enjoyed what i've gotten out of it.

in 2008...

- i learnt many many many many things at work (and learning all this new stuff is what keeps me going), and worked hard (by my standards, at least).

- i got to know many people at work, and external parties as well.

- i became more in tune with the kind of work i do, and am starting to appreciate it a lot more.

- i learnt that no job is too humble or too big; just do your job and do it well.

- i learnt that for reasons completely unknown, i will have to carry other people's unfinished business because they can't, i can, and i am willing to, and this could sometimes work against me.

- i learnt that there will always be hypocritical assholes around who will make your life more difficult, but not everyone is blind to such people.

- i learnt that one little 'thank you' can mean so much, whether you're receiving it, or giving it.

- and while that one little 'thank you' is so easy to give, most people just don't give a flying fuck.

- i took some risks with my bitter old heart and got it broken, again.

- i worked hard with shiyuan for PRCL, and still got shit thrown in our faces (its like there's shit floating all over the place, but the wind is always blowing in our direction).

- i encountered many many strange and weird men, which i care not for.

- i travelled to Phuket, Taiwan and Malaysia, all of which i enjoyed immensely.

- i realized how frail life can be; how sudden unexpected things can happen, and how much stronger you can become by rising to the occassion.

- i cursed and sweard more than i ever have in the other 23 years of my life added together.

- i managed to bond more with the younger members at red cross (by my standards, at least)

- i reminisced on old school days because i met a group of passionate and capable young people in red cross.

- i spent too much. :(

- i enjoyed my shopping and eating with my girls immensely, and that this year would have been complete crap without them.

that's about it, in short, i guess. its been really challenging, especially at work. and it's been disappointing, especially at PRCL. i dont think anyone disappointed me, in particular. i'm a bit disappointed with myself, and i am disgusted with some people.

i was talking to ian the other day, and he asked me 3 significant things that happened in 2008.

i told him...

1. Downfall of 2008 - PRCL, for so many many reasons that i cannot even be bothered to rant about anymore. but it will take me at least 6 months to cool off. this doesn't mean that the project has lost its meaning. it still does, and i think it will continue to. but the role i play in it henceforth is questionable.

2. Heartache of 2008 - Beefcake. 'nuff said. i dont really want to go into detail. it's too gloomy. it was a stupid thing to do anyway. yes, it was an amazing week, the places were beautiful and everything felt picture-perfect. but obviously we'r reaching out on different wavelengths. what the hell was i thinking anyway?

3. Hardest Lessons Learnt in 2008 - entirely through The Grouch. he taught me about commitment, hardwork, pain, communication, work ethics, conviction and strength. thank you for making this place so memorable for me, and for all your patience and harsh words.

these are the 3 significant things i will remember most about 2008.

but who knows... 2009's just started.

oh and its a complete bitch because i'm stuck doing someone else's job, because somebody decided to be on medical leave, and leave all the urgent outstanding jobs undone. no problem, i can do it. i may not know entirely what to do, but i'll figure it out. and i'll do it because i have a brilliant mentor who's making sure i'm not completely lost in the process, and can still hang on to the work i was originally supposed to do.

just don't give me your lousy fucking attitude. you should be kissing the ground i walk on, for clearing so much of your shit. not giving me your lousy attitude. or at least be a little remorseful. wtf?

in 2009... i have set aside some goals instead of having a new year resolution. and i realize that for goals to be realistic, they should be quantified, as much as possible. having goals like, 'to be a happier person' is bullshit, cuz if you cant figure out what makes you happy, you'll never reach the goal.

what i have so far:

- read more (at least 1 book a month, doesnt matter what kind of book)

- be healthier (eat more fruit and veggies, embrace tomatoes! i will bring my own healthy meal to work 2 to 3 times a week)

- lose weight (for health reasons, obviously; i want to lose at least 5kg in the next 6 months)

- work harder (by having more initiative and a more questioning mind; put tools i've acquired to good use)

- love my family more (i will refrain from snapping, and learn to appreciate nagging from 2 50-year olds)

- limit my credit card bills (i'm not posting the amount online)

- refrain from picking the wrong men (this is going to be a challenge)

- learn to play at least 1 full song on the piano and on the guitar.

- travel! australia in january, but 1 more in the year with my girls.

- bring mom for a good spa session

- save more money (i can't post the amount online) by taking less cabs (like, just 3 times a week, instead of 3,592,208 that i normally do? baby steps, people!)

- finish reading the manual that came with my nikon, and go on photo-taking trips once a month

i'll think of more along the way... but for now, this will keep me occupied for a while.

suddenly i don't feel to new year-ish.

houseflies.

2008-12-18T08:55:00.004+08:00

are irritating me. 'tis the season? they are all over the friggin' place! they need to be zapped. STOP HAVING ORGIES ON MY MONITOR!

a few unhappy things have happened over the past few weeks i haven't blogged.

1) yuan is still in hospital. breaks my heart to see her in so much pain. she had her surgery on tuesday, and is working on healing up now. if we can't bring her out for christmas, then we'll just bring christmas to her. zhuang and i have been going down to see her almost every other day. sometimes she's okay, sometimes she's not so okay. she's feeling quite depressed because it's something that just happened out of the blue. i keep telling her not to think about all these details and just focus on getting well, cuz we all need her around. i need her around. which brings me to my next point.

2) i think i did badly for this year's prcl. this year was a friggin' nightmare. on hindsight, there are so many things that i overlooked, which i shouldn't have. as someone who's gone through this so many times... really shouldn't have overlooked these things. which is why i say... i need shiyuan around. through the tough times, it feels like its more difficult without her around.

i remember being very stressed the night before, because of all the things that screwed up at the last minute. well... they didn't exactly screw up. they just got out of control. people are out of control. the tangibles, i can still deal with. the people... they're much trickier. and it's so tiring trying to be patient and tactful with these people. yuan says given my quick temper, its amazing i haven't obliterated everyone who's pissed me off yet.

yeah. so i cried. i cried myself into fatigue, showered, and put in that last bit of effort for preparation work before i got 2 hours of sleep the night before the actual event. after the event... just felt completely spent. doesn't feel the same anymore. last year, so many things went wrong, but i actually felt kind of victorious after that. could still go around taking photos with my friends who were with me... shiyuan, yizhuang, ian, fen, my bro. this year... i just wanted to curl up and die. maybe because of the comments that were passed.

i know i shouldn't let such stuff bother me, but it does. i feel like i put in my heart and soul into this. in the initial stage, shiyuan was my driving force. she was always on top of things during the planning stage, pushing me to settle admin stuff, venue, prog, etc. towards the later stages, it was the younger ones that kept me going. their committment, their camaraderie, their passion. i feel lucky to have been able to work with such capable young people. makes me think twice about passing comments like, 'kids these days...' (i sound like an old foggey).

yeah but thanks for your insensitive mindless comments. you put a knife through my heart, dug it around a bit, then for the extra kick, plunged it in further, then drew it out.

i am thankful that brandon was there too. he's been this senior character to me for such a long time now. don't know if he fits the bill for the older brother character, but he always keeps me grounded and brings me to my senses.

i am thankful that jiun chaw was there too. i think this year we got a lot closer, despite having worked together many times before. misery loves company.

3) there have been rumours flying around that there's no bonus coming in december. so this is my second christmas with this company with no bonus. last christmas was cuz my employment period wasnt in time for the closing of the financial year. this time... well. duh. the recession. wanted to do something nice for mom and dad (like give them a truckload of cash). oh well.

4) have read zhuang's blog about why we're still single. wtf. look at the men i've crossed paths with. i am not picky. time after time, i tell myself i'm sick of this dating bullshit, and just as i'm about to throw in the towel... another guy comes along and proves me right. pfft.

the next 2 weeks are quite packed. i've marked out my calendar and everyday there's something going on. 'tis the season.

i had a weird breakfast this morning. i call it nasi-lemak-mee-goreng in grease. i'll post the pictures later. just another day on site.

"christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat.

please put a penny in the old man's hands.

if you haven't got a penny,

then a ha'penny will do.

if you haven't got a ha'penny

then god bless you.

here we come a'carolling

here we come a'carolling..."

annoyed.

2008-12-03T15:50:00.007+08:00

i cannot decide what i'm more irritated with. but i am in a foul foul mood.

1) moving on

i've been going on and on about wanting to move to another site for a while now (well, just since yesterday, on my blog; but i've been complaining about it for a while already). and it's not happening because apparently i'm still needed here. for what, i have no idea. because i spend most of my day being bored and annoyed.

2) co-workers

there's a particular engineer who has been getting on my nerves a lot lately. that is not to say that he did something to piss me off. no no. i've never been fond of him, and lately i've just gotten more not-fond of him. i think he thinks he's awesome, which he isn't. and i think he thinks he's hot stuff, which he also obviously isn't. and when he wants me to do something for him, Mr Hot Stuff does not say 'please', and does not ask if i can do it (obviously i can, because i am currently very unoccupied, but being aloof and rude gets you nowhere). he just goes, 'i need the pricing for _____', and then proceeds to ramble on and on about what he needs.

and while i proceed with his request, he's gone and started on his lunch.

there is yet another engineer who has been getting on my nerves, especially recently. The Grouch, who has moved on to another site, has mentioned specifically that he needs an engineer to do planning work, which is pretty much what i've been doing the past year and a half. i'm not saying i'm brilliant at it, but it's been my job scope so far. and instead of acceeding to The Grouch's request, mr Hot Stuff's new best friend, Mr Big Boss, has decided that he does not want me to go over.

it's completely lousy logic, if you ask me. The Grouch needs a planner. i am working as a planner. he needs a planner at his site because he's very short-handed. i am very free at the moment. you can see where i'm going with this.

but nooooooo. Mr Big Boss thinks that it's better for me to hang around here, and for Mr Hot Stuff to go over and learn how to work as a planner from scratch. in the meantime, i will have to take over all of Mr Hot Stuff's leftover bullshit as of next week.

why? why must you make things so difficult? he's been handling certain matters, and has been liaising with external personnel for a long time already. why do you want to make the more inconvenient and difficult change, whereby 2 people have to start their jobs all over again from scratch?

and why does he get any say in this??

if my tone hasn't been clear enough by now, Mr Big Boss is not actually a boss. he is a peer. he's a project engineer. he is neither my project manager, nor my site manager, nor my construction manager, which The Grouch is. so why, pray tell, do i have to seek his approval?

because The Grouch asked me to.

i respect your wishes, because you are a better leader than Mr Big Boss ever will be. but you gotta get me out soon, or i will have to take drastic measures.

i cannot begin to explain how sick i am of being here. i realize that if any of my colleagues read this, i will be in a treacherous amount of pain. but it's agonizing.

firstly, i have nothing much left to do around here (and this is the part that pains me the most).

secondly, most of the colleagues whom i look up to, or am closer to, are all gone. they've already been deployed to other sites. which effectively means i no longer have any reason to laugh or smile, and i don't. i'm just this mean old bitch who sits here in her corner all day, until there is something to do.

thirdly, i don't foresee much growth under the current manager. i want to learn more stuff. on the contrary, i feel like i'm working as a postman most of the time here. i don't think it's convenient to explain why, but a certain incident convinced me that it is time to move on from his management. this bugs me a lot, because i don't want things to become stagnant (which they now have).

3) the past

i met up with yizhuang yesterday, and we started talking about our past.

the men from our past, to be more specific.

she recapped how her relationship ended, and i shared the happier times that i had with a particular someone. and then i realized how bitter i've become since that particular phase of my life.

i hate that you have someone. i hate that after all this while, i still insist to curious friends that we had wonderful times while they lasted. i hate that after so long, i'm still standing up for you, even though i had my heart broken so many times. yes, i was a bitch to you a lot. yes, i made life a living hell for you.

but you ripped my heart out too.

and every now and then, the pangs of hurt just come flooding back. like when you ask me about that bloody alumni gathering.

firstly, i have never been much of a hall person. i stayed in hall because my home was too bloody far from school. i participated actively in jam band because i love music. not because i wanted to chalk up the points. i never understood most of the hall residents, and i believe most of them didn't get me either. i don't have many friends left from hall that i still keep in touch with.

so you can imagine how annoyed i was when you asked me about this alumni thing. because i wasn't invited. which is what i told you.

secondly, the people who started this thing are from your batch, not mine. and obviously, like you, your girlfriend is from your batch too. so the whole time you're asking me about this alumni gathering, the image of you and your girlfriend having a blast of a time keeps playing over and over in my head.

yes, i'm over-reacting. yes, my imagination has gotten the better of me.

but it can't be helped. my mind works that quickly.

and the more you ask, the more irritated i get. because i'm already in a foul mood, thanks to my fruitful time at work, and the circumstances i'm being subjected to, and because the image of you and her laughing and having a good time is now stuck in my head.

call me weak, call me bitter, call me a bitch. i hate that not only do i not hate you, i continue to torment myself with my colourful imagination from time to time.

pisses me off.

i told you. i don't know what's pissing me off more.

this is turning out to be one long entry. and while i'd like to share my thoughts and insights on important stuff, like the about the killing of the singaporean that was held hostage in mumbai, or how US is officially in recession, or world aids day, i cannot help but continually rant and bitch and complain.

however...

i am very much looking forward to:

- going home today, because my interest in neopets has been revived, and i am thinking of starting an account again this evening (i have been inspired by dave's blogography and his post on webkinz, which he apparently hates)

- friday, because i'll be seeing my little darlings ebony, zephyr and tallulla, and i'll be meeting my cousin oli.

- monday, because it's a public holiday (hari raya haji) and there's no work, so i can sleep in :)

- the next payday, cuz that's when the annual bonus comes in (just in time for my credit card bill)

- christmas eve, because the extended family gathers every year for food and good times.

- boxing day, because the girls and i will be going somewhere fancy for dinner.

- january, cuz we're going to australia!

for those of you who have never seen blogography, you don't know what you're missing. i used to be a really avid follower, until work got the better of me the past year. but now that i have free time on my hands, i have been going through the archives, and i find myself becoming further and further immersed. i'd get the merchandise too, if shipping didn't cost friggin USD$24.

okay i think i'm done bitching for now.

i've had the weirdest craving for french toast all day now.

taiwan.

2008-12-02T13:34:00.010+08:00

the last time i blogged was before we were in taiwan.

i had a good mind to blog about our awesome adventure there; however, i was plagued with a week-long fever and lung / throat infection shortly after. it was a nightmare. my temperature went up to 40deg, and i had to be on medical leave for 4 days. still feeling weak at the moment, didn't manage to eat much last week. but i think i'm feeling lethargic because of the whole atmosphere at work. there's not much to do around here currently, and i'm not allowed to leave for another site because of the work that might come up here. hurmpf.

so anyway, yizhuang and i had a blast in taipei, amidst the coughing and the keeping me up at night and the lousy porn in the hotel. i think our favourite places were wu fen pu and shi da night market cuz we bought LOTS of stuff! we bought clothes and accessories and books while we were there, and ate like 8 times a day. because that's all you can do there really. you shop, you eat, and you eat some more. :D

it's always quiet in taipei in the day.

getting lost on the mountains of mao kong.

one of the many eating stop-overs. oyster omelette at shida night market.

lil old ladies waiting for the bus.

ah-q yam & pumpkin dessert on the mountains.

awesome grilled giant mushrooms!

lots of colourful handicraft at jiu fen.

zhuang is puzzled by the statue. "is it a fish? is it a man? what?"

most awesomest cheapest deliciousest beef steak ever!

our first night at ximending.

sublimely cheap japanese food. this hotpot cost us less than 5 bucks! we love.

our first day somewhere in taipei.

yizhuang attempts to grill the whole fish. failed.

you'll realize most of the photos are of us eating, or some pretty scenary. the reason's very simple... our hands are too full to take any photographs while we're shopping. :)

so stuff's been a little crazy with our red cross event. a lot of final decisions to be made. darling shiyuan is unwell. apparently her lungs collapsed on sunday, and i have no idea how she's doing now. going to check in with her a little later.

and... christmas is coming. so is my credit card bill. :(

it doesn't really feel very christmassy.

and... we're going to melbourne & sydney next month! very much looking forward to it. apparently there's gonna be farm stays and stuff like that. we're gonna see the sydney opera house!

it's been a good couple of years. in the past 2 years, i've been to hongkong, bintan, phuket, taiwan, that little durian trip, and next month we're going to australia. it's been good. the girls and i are planning to go to japan next. some time next year, i think. i hope. :)

get well soon yuan! i can't put up with all this bullshit on my own!

battle.

2008-10-15T16:13:00.002+08:00

the greatest battle is often with yourself. myself.

my own stupidity never ceases to amaze me. it's come to a point where it's depressing.

do i always pick the wrong guy? or is it just that there really aren't anymore non-fuckers around anymore, therefore the probability of finding one is close to zero?

so much has been going on lately. my heart's been going up and down, then up then down again. my little heart cannot take this much turbulence. it's going to fall out.

why can't i find contentment? i have much to be thankful for, but there are still so many things that get me down. i want contentment. i want to be contented.

i want to be contented.

rollercoaster.

2008-10-09T09:56:00.002+08:00

first they tell me he's leaving.

then i hear he doesn't have to leave.

then they send an email about him leaving again.

it's been such a fuckin' rollercoaster.

*
thank you for going in and out of the gantry 5 times.

thank you for waiting for me at the CBD area, even though you hate that place.

thank you for a lovely evening thereafter.

donkey.

2008-09-29T18:45:00.002+08:00

feeling particularly down-trodden today.

i don't know if i'm being too sensitive, but you're talking and laughing to everyone, and i'm the person you seem to hate with the fire of a thousand suns. i'm trying to do everything you ask me to, and i'm sorry if i'm lacking in some areas. but i am trying.

i'm really tired, actually. i feel like i haven't gotten enough sleep in ages, and you have a large part to play with regards to that too.

i'm sorry i'm not brilliant enough, and it breaks my heart that you disregard the effort i've put in. i've put in a lot of effort with my work, and i take pride in the work that i've been doing. i stay back late as and when you ask me to, i come back to work as and when you ask me to. i have no problems obeying instructions, as long as you're not behaving like a complete asshole.

i feel a bit like screaming. i feel a lot like screaming. people are pushing responsibilities to me, when they're not within my jurisdiction.

hello? you're asking me why the printer is out of order?

turd.

i'm taking the rap for you, and you're firing these useless questions at me? i need the printer too y'know.

i feel like i've been stupid for so long.

what did i think was going to happen? that if i tried hard enough, you'd change your mindset? dumbass.

here i am, feeling completely lousy for doing a lousy job today, and there you are, enjoying yourself on the phone, laughing and chatting with business associates.

yes okay. i'm being childish. but when you're like this, you bother me. if there's something you're displeased about with me, just tell me. your passive aggressiveness is apalling.

(i think i'm so upset that i've blended several people into the above-mentioned. well. just 2.)

ass.

error.

2008-09-06T16:07:00.003+08:00

i was trying to access a blog on livejournal today, and got a funny error message.

i suppose you'd have to zoom in on the pic to see it clearly.

it's a been funny. i've been resting slightly more recently, like sleep earlier (never past 1am anymore, i think), but i'm still tired.

so the folks and i went to JB 2 weekends ago for durians and shopping. it was pretty fun. 10 of us in all. i mean, it wasn't fun fun, but interesting. very nice, relaxing and easy trip. there's been some worries about the chikugunya (i dunno if it's spelt this way) fever, but everything was okay. we were all ambassadors of every kind of anti-mosquito product you can think of. i didn't know there were anti-mosquito wipes!

i've been having bouts of memory loss. i remember i had a point to make, but right now... i don't remember what it was.

sigh.

it's irritating. i remember there was something! ugh.

"HOW TO GET PROMOTED"

1. surf the internet for random news bits during your OT hours.

2. play freecell during working hours

3. (and this is the most important part) tell your manager that everything can be done, then make other people do your work.

4. when things go well, make generous statements like, 'everyone worked hard for it'; when things go awry, deny all associations with the issue, and make other people do your work.

"DISCLAIMER"

1. may not work for all individuals

2. while promotion is almost certain, respect is not guaranteed.

i'm so mean.

but i can't help it. hehe.

fat.

2008-08-27T11:08:00.002+08:00

i am sad. my job is making me fat. the longer hours i work, the fatter i get. because the longer hours i work, the later i have dinner. and because i'm so pooped out from work, i usually fall asleep shortly after dinner.

my job is making me fat.

and the fatness is visible enough for someone to pass a comment that i'm getting fat.

its depressing.

i have entered fat-depression.

as if work stress isn't enough. now i have fat depression, fatigue and dark eye rings to make up my wholesomely wonderful life.

i've lost the will to bitch.

disappointment.

2008-08-22T16:07:00.002+08:00

i bought the grouch cologne and a tshirt for his birthday.

the Jolly had a nice seafood dinner with us for his birthday.

giap got a body shop hamper for his birthday.

the procurement girl got dkny perfume for her birthday.

sia got a pizza lunch with a birthday cake for his birthday.

me?

i got an oversized, loud and used blouse for my birthday.

thanks for the effort, guys.

sometimes i try to tell myself these things are insignificant. but sometimes these things just piss me off.

amidst a host of other disappointments at work.

it is turning out to be one lousy friday.

misery.

2008-08-14T19:43:00.002+08:00

i am miserable. i am trying hard not to be, because i'm supposed to be very excited about tomorrow. the girls are taking me out for my birthday, and we're all going to be all dressed up to have dinner at this nice place that they picked out.

but there's been so much going on at work lately. i feel like i'm being bullied a little.

i think it's fair enough that if i know i cannot finish a certain job that you've asked me to help you with, that i give you advance notice. because a) i have my own work to do and b) i'm already staying back late to finish up my work, no reason why i should stay back to do yours. and then you go and say something fucked up like, 'okay no problem, you answer to _____ then.'

and the most fucked up part is you're the one going home at 6 or 7 everyday, and don't even come back on weekends anymore, and you're putting this on me. fuckin' brilliant.

i believe i've stood by you as a colleague, especially when you needed me to. whatever support you needed in your new project, i did by best by you, up to a point where i couldn't anymore. and you say shit like that to me.

i am everybody's somebody.

therefore i have insufficient time for me.

*
thank you for calling. i can't believe of all the people, you were the one who made me laugh. i've been stressed up and tired all day, but somehow you manage to make me smile.

you confuse me sometimes. you really do. i'm really not sure what to make of you. but whatever it is, you made me smile.

thank you.

black.

2008-08-13T12:49:00.002+08:00

i must always remember to be thankful for the people around me, for the people who love me, and for the things that make me happy. i must always remember not to let one fucker ruin everything.

looming.

2008-08-11T20:37:00.000+08:00

i have a birthday looming!

i have been griping about how little i've accomplished, but i'm not really certain what it is i want to accomplish. i think i've gotten sucked into the 'hurry-hurry-hurry-do-your-job' paradigm that i have no idea what i want to do with my life anymore. i'm worried that i might become another run-of-the-mill adult who just works for the sake of working.

do i like my job?

... so far, yes. it's been busy as hell lately, but i enjoy multi-tasking (although i'm not very good at it). i'm learning quite a lot, and everyday brings a brand new challenge. the more involved i get in more disciplines at work, the more i learn (and the more shit i get myself into).

do i foresee staying here for a long time?

... i still don't know yet. i'm currently in my 14th month, and i will definitely stay til the end of the year (unless things fuck up). i don't know. i really don't dare to say anything yet.

*
so we've had quite a few meetings for project red cross love already now, and things are starting to heat up for quite a few reasons. sometimes i find myself being less and less able to manage these issues, and i become increasingly frustrated with myself for being unable to cope. i am thankful that shiyuan is still around for me (as annoying as she can be sometimes), and i hope we do well this year... cuz it could jolly well be our last. well, my last. and if i go, shiyuan and jiewei will leave too.

it's not that i don't see any purpose in doing this anymore... it's just getting too complicated. i enjoy doing community work. i love seeing the smiles on their faces after a successful project. nothing warms my heart more than a kid grinning from ear to ear, thanking you for the programme or the goodie bag, or just hopping into your arms so that you'll swing him around. but it's really starting to take it's toll, mentally.

i think i'm getting too old.
*
shiyuan and yizhuang will be taking me to dinner this friday... but i think it's safe to say that shiyuan will be doing most of the planning. hahaha. sorry yizhuang, there's nothing i would love more than to just turn up and enjoy a good dinner, without having to rack my brains about where or what to eat. :)

mom bought me 2 pairs of crocs for my birthday, which i lovelovelove because they're so functional and cute.

i also bought 2 pairs of undies from topshop and i think they're uber adorable. one has a superman logo on it!

i also bought a shirt from club marc, half off. its the first time i've bought horizontal stripes, i think. quite a gamble. haha.

dad has done up my room beautifully... it's blue and it's awesome to sleep in, even with the lights on.

the throat's getting a bit froggy again.

i got the sleepys.

?

2008-07-30T19:47:00.003+08:00

so many questions, so few answers.

so much to say, so little time.

is it still okay? argh. it's getting so hard to focus sometimes.

i am tired as hell, and i really really need some quality rest. i am hoping i won't have to work this sunday so that i can sleep in. unfortunately, i don't think i will be granted that luxury.

things have taken a refreshing change lately, but i don't know how advisable these changes are. i have been conversing a lot with my therapist, mr lu (haha). he has been most patient and kind and understanding.

so august is almost here. turning 24 soon. it's a tad scary (omg next year i'm going to be 25). it seems i've done so little with so much time.

it's been a tumultuous week.

(it's strange. the omg-omg-omg feeling keeps playing over and over and over in my head. ugh.)

fyak.

2008-07-23T18:20:00.002+08:00

men are all scum. all.

except pops. dad always watches out for me, so he will always remain out of this category of scum. in contractual terms, this would be called an exclusion.

back to the topic.

you make a move, and then you pull back. you make a move again, and you pull back some more. it's like one step forward, two steps back. i haven't a clue what exactly it is he wants. sometimes i feel like some half-time entertainment. and the worst part is, i tend to think a lot. and the more i think, the less answers i get, the more frustrated i become.

plus it's a bit of a sticky situation. work stuff and all. so you're not making it any easier on me.

it's tiring trying to figure things out. so i will try my best to just let it be.

again. with all the men i've encountered, my best solution is to let it be.

and work's just totally been a blast. i once joked with the old man that i'm not working as an engineer here; i'm working as a prostitute. everyday i come to work and just wait to get fucked.

yes, sometimes it's my fault. but sometimes it's not. sometimes i'm just a punching bag (like when you throw a report on the table and shout at your men, and walk out, leaving me standing there alone, and then live missiles start to gravitate towards me, or like when you get fucked, and you have no one else to take it out on except me, due to proximity).

okay la, i resign to my fate. please use protection. thanks.

so friday's going to be quite exciting. the girls and i will be heading to timbre because i've decided one of my darling girls needs to meet new guys. me, i'm jaded. unless you're single, not an asshole, not emotionally unavailable (or unstable) and not a complete nazi about stuff, i'm good, thanks. i already have enough on hand.

darling ian is very confused as to why things are progressing the way they are. so am i.

met up with zhuang (again) for dinner... and this time was slightly better... we managed to shop! and she managed to buy a lovely top which i think is such a cute mix of grandma-style (that's all the rage now) and preppy. she also successfully talked me out of buying a $60 top (via reverse psychology; though completely unintentional). thank you dear.

we're so psyched about seeing shiyuan on friday cuz we haven't seen her since liquid kitchen three weeks ago! hurmpf. shiyuan is keeping herself busy by working late and going for marathons.

i will start looking into new activities soon too. i'm considering taking up some courses, but have yet to decide where or what. but i think it'd definitely help keep the brain more alert.

due to our long hours lately, poor Jolly (i've decided to call my colleague this because the name is very apt) has had very little time to spend with his wife, who's come over from her hometown to be with him. she has about three months left in singapore, after which she has to go back again. Jolly's feeling quite bad about it too.

thankfully, i have no man to go home to.

(my words drip of disdain and sacarsm. sleep deprivation has turned me into a tempestuous bitch.)

blogthings.

2008-07-20T15:30:00.003+08:00

**You are an ENFJ**

The Giver

You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed.Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections.Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down.You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine.

In love, you are very protective and supporting.However, you do need to "feel special" - and it's quite easy for you to get jealous.

At work, you are a natural leader. You can help people discover their greatest potential.You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

How you see yourself: Trusting, idealistic, and expressive

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Bossy, inappropriate, and loud

What's Your Personality Type?

http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourpersonalitytypequiz/

special.

2008-07-20T12:57:00.001+08:00

i am currently having a blasted headache. and i think i had too much to eat for lunch. and it's sunday. and i'm at work. i think i shall sleep at 9pm tonight.

something interesting happened this week. something that's left me a little apprehensive, yet a little excited at the same time. it keeps playing back in my mind, and i wonder if it will manifest into anything else.

dad bought some durians yesterday. 7, to be exact. and we finished 5 1/2 of them in twenty minutes (or less). must be some kind of record. and we bought paint for our rooms too. dad's re-painting the place one room at a time.

i am very much looking forward to going home, bathing, drifting off to sleep in a nice air-conditioned room.

yesterday, a dear old man shared a very radical point of view with me, and it's got me thinking too. a mutual acquaintence of ours took a day off work to be with her boyfriend during his medical review, because apparently, he's very sick. the strange thing is, his parents don't know, and they have no intention of telling them.

so he started telling me how he disapproves of people spending too much time with their boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse in their times of sickness, even hospitalization. he told me that when his ex-girlfriend was hospitalized for an operation, he didn't go visit her until she was discharged.

his rationale was that people have to learn to go through difficult times alone; afterall, we've already made it that far even when we were still single. why should we suddenly become dependent on our other half when we were functioning well without them?

and then i asked, what if his other half was going for a critical operation, and really wanted to see him again? his answer left me speechless. "if she really wanted to see me again, she'll pull through."

well, his ex-girlfriend did pull through. but why they aren't together anymore are for completely different reasons.

while his school of thought seems a little selfish and unconventional, it does seem to make sense and to a certain extent, i think it would make break-ups more bearable.

so supposedly, we go through life as individuals, and when we meet that special someone, it's an added bonus. suddenly sounds so simple, dunnit?

[ps: darkchocolate coated coffee beans are very addictive, and while they're helping to keep me awake, they are also making me fatter by the second. i also suspect my throat will explode tonight, especially since we had all those durians last night. but they're so good. ]

i have a birthday looming. dad asked me where i wanted to have dinner on my birthday. i suggested going to this japanese restaurant that darrel has been gushing about since three years ago. and i've never gone on my own cuz it's so expensive. dad said it'd be a good idea too, since we all love japanese food. except dad. i told him i'd rather go somewhere where we'll all enjoy the food. we'll see.

so i met up with yizhuang on friday. we had dinner (japanese, again), then went shopping (we made it to 2 shops before all the shutters started coming down), then went walking, and finally had coffee. lovely. we are thinking of where to go on holiday at the end of the year. unfortunately, shiyuan has declared that she will not be able to join us (hurmpf) because she has all these other committments that are taking up her time (and money). but i'm happy for shiyuan. she's getting braces done (ow), and she's taking her accounting course. i'd like to take a course too, but i have no idea what course to take. self-improvement is very important. and studying helps to keep the mind active.

[i can already feel my throat swelling up.]

darrel bought crossroads headphones! they're the xbi mylarones and i am thinking of getting them too. i had a go at his headphones and amplifier (oh my god), and it was fantastic. you can hear every part of the song really clearly. the only problem is... i can't fit the plugs in my ears! they're those you shove into your ear so that external noise is blocked out, and i think my ear holes are too small. :( i asked him to check out if they come in XS. i tried on the S but they're still too big.

i am currently using audio technica, which i bought mainly because 1) AT is relatively inexpensive 2) it's so pretty 3) AT is generally quite a good brand for audio stuff. unfortunately, now that i've tried on the mylarones, AT just does not cut it anymore.

of course, what i'd really really like is sennheiser. but it is unbelievably expensive.

actually if you think about it, a blog is really self-indulgent. it's mainly a channel for self-indulgent rambling (it's okay yizhuang, i'll still be your blog).

i would like to set up an online shop for crafts or jewellery, but i doubt i'll have much time for it. hmm. food for thought.

i wanna paint my nails tonight. i haven't done this in such a long time. and the colour that i bought yesterday is so pretty.

the more you earn, the more bills you pay. the only way to overcome this problem is to earn faster than the speed at which your bills grow. unfortunately, pay raise comes only once a year (or in my case, not yet), and bills come all the time. even cabs are getting more expensive. the flag-down rate has gone up twice in the past year already. wargh!

back to work.

big.

2008-07-13T01:18:00.003+08:00

wafts of vanilla scents drift past, the lights are yellow and soft. just had a nice, long, luxurious bath; scrubbed and pumiced and conditioned. had a mini facial. turned on the u-papa. lying back in bed watching old movies.

i haven't felt this pampered in a long, long time. the feeling is... satisfying.

on the flipside... i woke up late this morning, and spent thirty bucks taking a cab to work. all the way into jurong island, right in front of the site office. sigh.

things have been strange lately. i seem to be attracting the wrong type of men.

and i always seem to be waiting around for the wrong person.

sometimes i just try not to think about anything anymore. not about work, not about men, not about how fat and old i've become, nothing. not that i have a lot of free time to ponder. i tend to just zonk out when i get home. or i just fall asleep in front of the telly.

took some time to meet up with ian and yizhuang lately. also had supper with shiyuan and zhuang a while ago too. so nice to see them.

so the meetings for project red cross love have been on-going, and things are pretty okay for now i guess. meetings every other sunday, i try to keep them short cuz i'd still like to have some time to loiter around.

my temper's been a bit horrid lately. things have been testy at work lately. my heart's been in a bit of a turmoil lately.

feel like going for a buffet dinner. like the one at swissotel. :)

back to my evening. :)

boreddd.

2008-05-25T19:19:00.002+08:00

it is an unsually boring sunday, and it's gone right by without me accomplishing much.

i had dinner with an ex-colleague yesterday; it was nice and pleasant. had teppanyaki at a hilltop restaurant. we talked quite a bit, and he started me thinking on how empty my life actually is. i have no ambition, no goal, no drive. sometimes i wonder what exactly it is i want to do with me life, and i have no idea. and this scares me a lot. i'm 24 (or rather, i'm going to be), and i have no ambition.

when i graduated, i knew i wanted to be a good project engineer, and i got the job without much problem. well. i was actually offered the job on the spot, so i figured i probably had at least a little bit of what it takes. now, i'm not so sure i'm good enough for it, and i'm not so sure if this is what i want to do in the long run. and i'm not sure what the hell i want to do in the long run. it is a very profoundly disturbing problem.

all the deep shit aside, darrel showed me something unbelievably entertaining, and it's just too good to miss.

rivermaya.

2008-05-24T15:16:00.002+08:00

rivermaya is an alternative rock band from philippines. i've listened to them quite a few times now, but somehow today their song just seems to get to me a lot. very simple and strong lyrics.

" Nobody knows just why we're here
Could it be fate or random circumstance
At the right place, at the right time
Two roads intertwine
And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us Fuel and fire
Then know where ever you will be
So too shall I be

Close your eyes, dry your tears
'Coz when nothing seems clear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You'll be safe here

Remember how we laughed until we cried
At the most stupid things like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong and though the world would never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

Save your eyes from your tears
When everything's unclear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here in my arms
Through the long cold night, sleep tight
You'll be safe here
When no one understands I'll believe
You'll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You'll be safe here"

blfft.

2008-05-24T08:37:00.004+08:00

that is currently how i'm feeling now. blffft. i just had breakfast (which i suspect is the first time this week), and i think i ate a little too fast. blfft.

i have been a lot less of this (blogging), because i've been doing a lot more of that (working), and usually after i finish that (working), i have no energy to do anything else. it's very challenging, and i'm very sleepy.

things at work have taken a slightly bad turn lately, and it has become quite difficult to satisfy two bosses at the same time. while i realize it is not easy on their parts, since they have conflicting interests, it is not easy on my part too.

in the past month or so, i have:

- fallen off a motorbike (well actually, the bike toppled over with me still on it, pinned my leg under and left me yelping in pain),
- banged my toe against a chair; it started bleeding like mad, and currently my toe nail has fallen off,
- scalded my hands under running hot water,
- had an eye infection; suspected injury on eyeball or something because doctor found a scar on my eyeball (unbelievable as it is),
- suffered actual panic attacks (i can't believe this is happening to me); breathlessness and nausea,
- slammed the door on my finger twice

i fear for my life.

i feel like these little mishaps are actually gravitating towards me.

went for a company buffet dinner last sunday. it was fun! we were eating and laughing and playing silly games. it was like a nice big group of friends having an outing. well, for the few of us, at least.

one of my colleagues left this week. a little sad, because he's one of the nicer guys to talk to.

but that's okay.. cuz i'll be having dinner with him later on. :)

care & share day has also passed. thankfully. i wouldn't call it a success, but i'm glad it's over. it's time to start planning for project red cross love 2008. it's always difficult in the beginning, cuz it kinda feels like you're starting from scratch again, but it's always worth it. i just think this year is going to be extra tiring because of my extended work hours. i work til 7 everyday, except mondays where i work til 10 (or any other day that i can't finish my stuff), and i work every saturday til 5. while it may not seem like a big deal, it would be noteworthy to mention that i live about two hours away from where i work (it is a long way from where our site is in jurong island), and believe me, it is tiring.

the past few nights, i have just been plopping into bed with no idea of what time i fall asleep, or what i did last. i also fell asleep without setting my alarm last night. the horrors.

i am very much looking forward to a good night's rest tonight. very very much.

the spice boys.

frenzy.

2008-05-13T00:22:00.000+08:00

well. i haven't had dinners like that in a while.

on saturday, we went out and had a nice mother's day dinner. we had superfantabulousawesomest seafood at sunset way. that place has been a favourite of mine for a while now. we had king crab. enough said. it was the highlight of the dinner. they caught us a 2.1kg crab, and cooked it in 2 different ways - steamed and stir fried. it was awesomefantabulousunbelievable. hehe.

and tonight.. dinner's kinda nostalgic too. finished work at ten today, so got home at about eleven plus. i was feeling kinda hungry so i fixed myself some dinner.. junk food dinner. i had mushroom soup and toast and canned tuna and cocktail sausages. very junkish. i am feeling chunkier right now, but its a nice feeling. i think the last time i had dinner like that was when i was still staying in hall.

so it's been an eventful period of time. i have been stalked, stressed, pressurized, antagonized and taken for granted. what a plethora of events in such a short period of time.

there's an indian worker at work who passed me his number, and since The Grouch decided to call this guy using his own number (to find out who the hell he is), The Stalker has mistaken The Grouch's number for mine. and apparently, The Stalker has been calling and sending text messages to The Grouch every night.. late at night. it's kinda scary. i've seen the messages. i think he's a bit obsessed.

dad says i shouldn't ignore it cuz it's considered harassment. thanks to some helpful colleagues at the office, we've established which sub-contractor he's with, his name and his employee code.

i am waiting to see what The Grouch will do.

and yeah, the normal screw-ups and scoldings at work.

and we have a mini red cross event coming up on saturday. and by mini, i mean i only have 4 days left to put everything together. and i am just going insane because nothing's been completed yet. i actually have to beg my brother to play at the event because we need performers. i might have to end up co-hosting the programme, and probably sing or play with my brother's band, and give a presentation to sponsors, and ensure the programme runs smoothly. shiyuan says i should wear my underpants inside out on saturday. ha ha ha.

help meeeeeeeeeeee.

there's so much that needs to be done. i havent asked many people to do things because i reckon i won't get much response, because everyone has their own committments. and well. being the single lonely wretched old woman that i am, i obviously have all the time in the world to settle all these loose ends.

did i mention that i have to work everyday til 7pm now? and on mondays i have to work til 10pm. and i have to work every saturday til 5pm (which i've always done, but now the rule is more or less carved into stone), and i might be working alternate sundays til 5pm too.

its no problem, of course. i've never complained about having to work late. work's starting to peak now, so of course everyone has to work a little more, and a little harder.

unfortunately for some of us (me, myself and i), we have to start growing bigger brains too, because apparently nothing in my head seems to be working, of late. sigh.

there's so much to do.

"so little time, so much to do.
i'd rather spend my time with you.
and if that day is not enough,
maybe we can stay in touch,
cuz i'm not making plans for tomorrow,
for tomorrow never comes."
-arkarna, so little time

i haven't heard this song in a while. i miss this song.

"took a while to drag me out of bed
aim some coffee at my head
saw the clock i'm running late
it's an ordinary day
and i'm like a dog on heat
knock one out and then fall asleep
it's sad but true
i'd rather be with you

don't you forget about me, when you're a celebrity
it will only you and me before too long
so little time so much to do
i'd rather spend my days with you
so little time so much to do
i'd like to spend one day with you
and if that day is not enough
maybe we can stay in touch
cuz i'm not making plans for tomorrow
for tomorrow never comes."

crash.

2008-05-02T10:57:00.002+08:00

well. it has been an eventful week.

last friday, i missed the company transport out of jurong island, so i decided to hitch a ride on Little Miss Diva's motorbike. as luck would have it, just as we turned out of the work site, she lost control of the bike, we skidded into a sandy area and the bike toppled over, and pinned my leg beneath it.

honestly, it didn't hurt much when i fell. i managed to pick myself up quickly, even though there was a bruise on the back of my calf.

later in the evening, the pain got worse, so i went to see a chinese physician. she said there may be bone injury, so she did some accupuncture to alleviate the pain and prevent the blood from clogging up at the area. she wrapped it up and sent me off.. with a hundred dollar medical bill.

by tuesday it didn't get much better, so my manager (nice guy that he is) suggested i see another chinese physician. he drove me there because he had to drop off a cheque at the area as well. this physician was awesome. he told me my ligaments had become misaligned, and told me he'd fix it. so he did some reflexology thing (which hurt like hell; seriously the treatment hurts more than the fall itself), wrapped it up, and sent me off.

on wednesday i removed the bandage, as he'd instructed. the ligaments still looked misaligned, and my calf is still swollen and sore, but the bruising has subsided somewhat. but it's a bit worrying because the back of my calf is.. bumpy. like the muscles (or whatever's there) are knotted up in a bunch.

and then yesterday, i accidentally banged my toe into the leg of a chair at home while i was running to answer the phone. my little toe started bleeding profusely, and when i prodded it a little, it felt like the nail was coming off. now this hurt. a lot. a lot more than the motorbike incident. and i had no idea what to do, so i just let it bleed out. so i suspect that the only thing currently holding my nail to my toe is dried blood and pus.

awesome.

*
i watched ironman with yizhuang on tuesday. it was awesome (this word seems to be coming up a lot). really really really awesome. i think robert downing jr is the coolest guy to play a superhero ever. i love his dry humour. and the soundtrack.. very good. very very good.

there are so many movies to watch in the next few months! the incredible hulk, drillbit taylor, wanted, indiana jones 4, sex & the city movie.. i think i left a few more out but i can't remember offhand.

*
dad's in china at the moment for a business trip. he'll be away for about a week, which is kind of a bummer for all of us, for various different reasons.

i bought a cookbook the other day (very unbecoming of me, i know). it's called The New Soup Bibile. i'm going to try out one of the recipes on sunday. cream of bell pepper. looks.. easy enough. haha.

i also bought brownie mix. looks.. easy enough. maybe i'll try it out when dad comes back. dad likes to eat brownies.

something funky is going on with my ankle.. something inside keeps cricking when i move my foot up and down. sigh.

still hobbling away at work though. i've still been on site in my safety shoes (although i don't know how i'm going to squeeze my foot in today).

shiyuan's birthday is coming! :)

flea.

2008-04-19T08:53:00.002+08:00

it's been a while. things have been slightly tumultuous, to say the least.

but they are improving, and for this i am truly thankful. i'm not sure how long this will last, but i will make a conscientious effort to improve and work better.

a while ago, The Grouch asked me why my momentum at work has started to slow down this year, and i realized that i've been poisoning myself with a lot of negativity, hence the lack of enthusiasm for work in recent weeks (or months; i'm not sure). he's made some effort in communicating with me more at work also, and he's trying very hard to be patient with my recent incessant questions (we decided communication is key), so one good deed deserves another. i will try not to be a bitch.

in recent weeks, i've been seeing a lot of yizhuang. haha. we came to a conclusion on thursday (the 2nd time this week i've met her) that we spend too much money when we're together. but we always have fun. i think that's more important. we're thinking of taking our dear old shiyuan out for her birthday, and i think we have something in mind already. i'm quite excited about it. :)

caught harold & kumar with yizhuang on tuesday. it was funny (and lewd) as hell.

a week before that, i saw street kings with desmond.

i would also like to watch three kingdoms, ironman and the sex & the city movie.

and yizhuang and shiyuan and i might be watching a chinese comedy next week.

no wonder i'm broke (well. not really, but i'm starting to feel the pinch. especially since i'm going to have to start returning my school fees back to mom's cpf account soon).

two weeks ago, yizhuang and i went to jewel box for dinner. we didn't pay for this; she got vouchers from work. it was a really good experience. dinner in a cable car! yizhuang was slightly petrified initially (and by slightly, i mean she was actually screaming), but she got kinda bored towards the end, cuz we went 6 rounds in the cable car during our two-hour long dinner.

after dinner, she decided the best way to end the night was to head over to robertson quay (by head over, i mean we walked for an hour) for a drink and some bar grub. after that we had coffee, and started to doze off at the cafe. that was when we decided to call it a night. haha.

it's saturday. i wonder what's in in store for the night.

weak green.

2008-03-29T09:47:00.002+08:00

recently i have been thinking of doing taking an MBa. some people have encouraged it, some people have told me what a bad idea it is. i am still trying to weigh out the pros and cons, and i want to talk to more people to find out more. but the prospect of being able to pursue something academic which i'm actually interested in excites me and fuels my imagination. ha ha ha.

i took a quick look at the modules that are offered in the programme, as well as the electives i can opt for. there are some that i'm really keen in doing, and the more i look at them, the more i think these would have been the subjects i would have taken if i hadn't ended up in engineering.

finally something i'm keen in studying!

it's so rare.

and yes, i know what the cons are; shiyuan has spoken to me about what i should be concerned about and i am weighing my decision carefully.

and then there's the company subsidy thing. but will have to sign a bond with the company, obviously. very grave decision to make, if any.

*
i was at the copier just now when one of the data entry guys commented that i seem to be happier at work when The Grouch isn't around.

it's not that i'm happy that he isn't around; it's just not a particularly pleasant experience to get berated for everything. it gets disheartening sometimes really. like nothing i do will ever be good enough. sigh.

have been attending SQC courses lately. find them to be interesting, mostly because the trainer has the ability to stimulate thoughts. oh and during one of the sessions, i found out that another lady at work has some issues with me. the strangest thing is, i've never spoken to her before, nor have i ever had anything to do with her. my only communication with her is the rare email.

"Hi, could you please upload ______ ? Thank you so much."

she told Little Miss Diva that she dislikes me, and when Little Miss Diva asked why, her response was, "you don't know the story, that's why you're siding with her."

what the fuck did i do this time!? i am very intrigued. and annoyed. i'm just trying to get by. sigh.

oh well.

my PSP slim is on the way! :)

khaki.

2008-03-22T17:38:00.001+08:00

yesterday was good friday, so i had a blissful day off work. met up with yizhuang and shiyuan, and it was wonderful. we had a quick lunch, then went shopping, then ate again, then shopped again. i bought a khaki-coloured cardigan (which i lovelovelovelove), night treatment gel, earrings, eye make-up remover and contact lenses. and ate and ate. i've been spending so much lately it's disgusting.

the three of us just came back from a 3 day trip to phuket last week and it was amazing. time moved slowly, we ate and shopped and ate some more; we went to the beach, had massages, ate some more, shopped again.. it was great. and coupled with the fact that i'm there with the girls i've known for ten years made it even more fun. i love my girls. lovelovelovelove.

apparently yizhuang spent a bomb yesterday. i lovelovelovelove her quirky dress sense.

i also met up with desmond the night before. desmond's great company. we had dinner, went to watch a jazz singer that's under the management of his company, caught a movie (horton is incredibly silly) and had coffee. very nice evening all in all. we always have so much to talk about. you're my favourite bitch.

ooh i bought nail polish yesterday too. it's called 'dark pleasures'. it's a very deep dark red and i like it very much.

things have been slightly better after the phuket trip. it was a good break. we all found it a bit difficult to re-adjust at work after coming back (yizhuang: "time crawls in thailand"). shiyuan's engine isn't even moving yet.

i miss phuket.

*
i am thankful for colleagues who are nice to me. i had a big fight with The Grouch yesterday, so i wasn't in a very good mood. The Jolly and The Administrator sensed it, i guess, so they started to make nice little compliments about my nail colour and my cardigan and things like that. The Administrator asked about my phuket trip and whether i enjoyed myself, and The Jolly asked if i'd posted any photos online yet. they're very nice, in their kind ways.

i am thankful for them.

douce.

2008-03-02T14:51:00.002+08:00

yesterday, i made a complete ass of myself. if i'd been able to keep my hands from dialling his number for another 2 minutes, i'm pretty sure everything would still be okay. his phone died while i was about to say something important, so as usual, i didn't get to finish what i wanted to say.

i got a good dressing down.

"i've made some mistakes."

"it's okay that you make mistakes; your problem is you don't want to learn from your mistakes."

i wouldn't call it an epiphany, but it served as a good wake-up call.

i have decided that my priorities will henceforth be work, and red cross. i will make a conscious effort to prioritize these things, and make everything else secondary. i will not let myself be bothered by stupid little things anymore, because it's time to move on, and it's time to grow up.

(although i suspect a little part of me will always be a little girl; we all need to keep our inner child alive - it's what keeps us happy and laughing.)

*
a dear friend once told me she'd rather remain single than fall for the wrong guy. i thought it was a little too cynical, even for a singaporean.

while i beg to differ, i can see the sense in her belief.

i'm not quite sure what my point was in saying this, but it was an interesting perspective.

although i'm pretty sure girls often can't tell which guy is the right guy or wrong guy... which is why it's always a gamble. it's just a matter of whether it's high-risk or low-risk gambling.

pomegranate.

2008-03-01T17:19:00.002+08:00

today while i was at work, i was thinking of ways and means to clean up my act, tighten up loose ends, make amends quickly.

then i realized the calendar was still displaying february, so i flipped it over to march (it's one of those calendars you get from suppliers with the inspirational messages). march says, "accept your mistakes; you can't change them anyway".

thanks a bunch.

*
for some reasons known only to myself, i suddenly feel like the cheapest person in the world.

it's an awful feeling.

red.

2008-02-13T22:36:00.003+08:00

so tomorrow's valentine's day. no excitement this year, of course. i'd be thankful if i don't have to be this disgruntled old hag that i'm becoming. awesome.

a colleague at work told me i should get attached while i'm still young, because women have a sell-by date. which i understand. but i told him that nobody's interested at the moment, so i'm just flying solo for now. and then he told me i shouldn't have such high expectations of my partner.

i believe that these so called expectations are quite the bare minimum, because i don't have very high expectations. i just need the guy to not treat me like crap, to find some time to say "hello" when he picks up the phone, to give me the time of day, to not treat me like an emotional sandbag, things like that.

and please dont be mistaken. the above-mentioned traits do not originate from one guy; they are a culmination of my brilliant experiences with men in the past week (please bear in mind that today's only wednesday).

i really don't know a gentle way to put it, so i'm just going to spit it out.

what fuckers.

SERIOUSLY.

my integrity was cheapened, my intelligence was insulted, my work ethics were questioned, and most of the affection i had left for some male specimens have now been shifted to a very very grey area.

i'd appreciate it very much if you could spare the time to say "hello" when you pick up the phone, instead of an abrupt "i'll call you later."

i know why you'll call me later; i just don't appreciate being treated like garbage, thanks.

and the constant berating about how i don't take my job seriously and shit like that; i just don't appreciate it. i don't.

i don't use msn at work, i don't research about online gaming, i don't go for extended coffee breaks, i'm not checking out friendster or facebook, i actually know some stuff about work, but i'm the one who's not being serious about work. whoopdeefuckingdoo.

YOU.

and YOU!

the TWO of you are pissing me off!

and you know what the worst part is??

i can't do anything about it.

cheers to you too!

dim.

2008-02-11T00:07:00.000+08:00

soft lights, the fragrance of black tea filling the room, my nice soft blankie - bliss.

pain.

2008-02-04T17:14:00.000+08:00

my head hurts so fuckin' much. it's been hurtin' since this morning, and it's so bad it makes me feel like throwing up. i tried to go throw up just now, but nothing came out. i didn't have much for lunch, so i guess thats why nothing came out.

in one of the episodes of sex & the city, they talked about 'secret single behaviour' - SSB. its stuff you do that you never want boyfriends to see. so carrie likes to stack up saltines and spread jam on them, and stand at her counter reading magazines. charlotte likes to examine her pores in a mirror. miranda likes to apply vaseline on her hands, and stick 'em in gloves while she watches infomercials.

i wonder.. if i have any. i guess.. nope. nope. epilating my legs are okay. mm.. moisturizing should be okay too. hm. when i get a man, i'll decide again. right now, i can do whatever i want. 'cept falling asleep in my underwear. i think my family would be horrified to walk into my room if i do that.

*
it's been pretty good at work lately. it's still stressful, it's still challenging. but i think because the new year break is almost here, so everyone's just that little bit nicer.

a few of us will be going down to my manager's place on sunday. he invited us over for laksa, gambling and alcohol. nice guy. :)

met up with manda and gummi yesterday. good times. we basically just lazed around and chatted and laughed. in my room. to our horror, we concluded last night that we've never ventured out of serangoon together before. therefore we've decided to have dinner together before manda goes back to canberra. i've known manda since i was 4, i think. i love her so much.

my head feels a little better. still a bit of knocking going on, but not as bad as earlier today.

my colleague is going to buy the osim uzap today. i am wondering if i should get one too. it's time to cut the flab in the easiest way possible. ha ha ha. "zapzap tummy zapzap tummy zapzap thigh".

i miss seeing my dad around. he's been going to work really early, and i usually leave for work slightly later than him. and then usually by the time i get home at night, he's already asleep. i wonder if he'll buy those little baby oranges this year. hm.

i really can't wait for chinese new year. :)

7.

2008-02-02T09:45:00.000+08:00

so today's 2nd feb. it's my 7 month anniversary of being married to my job. can't believe it's been 7 months already.

chinese new year is on it's way; next wednesday is the eve so we'll only be working half day. yesterday we had a chinese new year lunch for all the workers, as well as the consultants and clients. it was fun. it's the one time where a manager walks up to you, and you know you won't be in trouble. the few of us were getting trigger happy with the camera as well. fun times.

today i'll only be working half day. have some errands to run, and to get new clothes also. for the new year. i bought a dress last week while i was out with desmond. it's so pretty. flowers and everything. felt a little bit like 2 old farts wandering around town though. haha.

i've been working on a tender the past week. the scope is very new to me, so it's been really challenging, but i'm learning quite a bit of stuff. it's very interesting. i hope we get the job.

last night after my BCSS exam, i came home and fell asleep. i forgot to set my alarm for this morning, and the most amazing part is that at 6.15am, i suddenly jolted awake. very interesting how your body works.

i am very much looking forward to the chinese new year break, because i think (hope) this will be a chance to catch up on my sleep. i am also very much looking forward to it because i will be baking cookies again! i want to try baking cornflakes cookies. let's see how they turn out. :)

2 of the 3 surviving girls in the office. we are a rare species.

evidently, thiha's table is in a mess.

everyone loves each other at work.

linguist.

2008-01-23T10:31:00.000+08:00

they say if you pen down your thoughts, you'll feel better. let's see.

- i hate how you storm off just because my answer isn't satisfactory.
- i hate how you can talk to everyone so nicely, but make me feel like the ultimate sinner.
- i hate how you talk to me nicely only when you talk with sexual innuendo.
- i hate how you treat me like your emotional punching bag.
- i hate how you think you're always right.
- i hate that there's never room for anyone else's opinions.
- i hate that you're a major slut, and pretend not to be, in front of other girls.
- i hate that you don't know how to take care of yourself, but still pretend to be a big man about it.
- i hate that my advice falls on deaf ears, even though you know i'm right.
- i hate how your after-effects always lingers for a long, long time.
- i hate that i actually care about your opinion of me.
- i hate that you make me feel so little sometimes.
- i hate that your attitude towards me sways every 5 minutes.
- i hate how i allow myself to be subjected to your tyranny.

i don't want to give up because i don't think i should give up. sometimes you make it so difficult to be motivated. all the confidence i've built up in school, in red cross, wherever, you've successfully extinguished it. i guess you should be proud of yourself. well done.

so do i feel better after 'penning down my thoughts'?

hell no.

sick.

2008-01-06T23:35:00.000+08:00

so i've been on medical leave for most of this week.. i only went to work on monday and saturday. in between i was sick as a dog, and had a bitch of a time. i went back to work yesterday in an attempt to clear some backlog, but didn't get very much done because of new things that surfaced while i was away.

i have gotten involved in some weird shit lately. well. it isn't so much of weird as it is interesting, and i'm not quite sure what to make of it, so i think i'm just going to watch and see what happens. i don't know if it would count as a new friend found, or getting too close to a colleague, but it certainly makes things more fun when i'm bored. after work hours, of course.

there's no time for fun at work. there's also no time for errors, emotion, apologies or rest. it's a man's world.

yesterday while i was at work, i was trying to think of ways to redeem myself at work, because i've made a mess of my work lately. and yesterday, i did have some resolute to do a good job, and yesterday, i was quite sure what to do.

today, however.. i don't know. i'm still determined to salvage myself, but some of that determination is slipping away, and that fear of fucking up is creeping in again. whereas yesterday, i finally felt a sense of calm while i was heading to work. most of the time it's just dread because i roughly know what to anticipate. i've come to realize i don't just need motivation; i need confidence.

since i've started work, i've lost a lot of confidence in myself over time. but of course, there's no time for that either. it's gogogo all the way. during this period of time, i have put some thought into what fields i'd actually do well in, but i think i should try to focus on my work at hand instead.

and honestly, rest is very important. after my 4 days' break, i've never felt more relaxed while going to work. yes, going to work on saturday's a drag. yes, going to work on saturday is miserable. but i actually felt a bit more organized than usual. or maybe i just felt more relaxed because it's a saturday.

i think i'm going to try to get more rest from now onwards. the stress at work is enough to kill me sometimes; i really shouldn't try to make it worse. besides.. fatigue just fucks up my mood. i get cranky, and i get grumpy, and i don't think straight.

*
christmas was fun, i guess. met up with my relatives and had a nice dinner at my uncle's place. new year's eve was a hoot too; i was sick in bed with fever. and then there was another family gathering yesterday, and i just felt completely out of place. i don't know why, but i just feel a bit awkward around them sometimes.

met up with weili last night for a nice chat. went to liquid kitchen for some snacks and drinks. good times. and then we had a looong walk back home (he told me some scary story and we were too chicken shit to go home alone, so we walked back to my block together, and he went over to his friend's place at the next block).

i also met up with des today. it's always nice meeting up with him. he tells me the most incredible stories sometimes. and then after that i met oli and her family, and hung out with the kids for a bit before heading home.

and then about an hour ago i tried to start on some work; such futile effort.

i will try again after this. need to sort out some data.

ooh. yizhuang and i are going to watch beauty world on the 19th! very looking forward to it. :)

mirage.

2007-12-22T11:32:00.000+08:00

i fucked up majorly at work yesterday, and it feels horrible. i have been thinking of what i can do to rectify it, but no solution comes to mind. i kind of feel like i'm just sitting out in the open, waiting to be shot.

the worst part is i think i've disappointed my mentor. things are weird. i don't like things to be weird. i prefer things to be nice and jovial.

it's the christmas season. i've spent quite a lot this year buying gifts, which pretty much seems like the right thing to do, considering my aunts have been spoiling us for so many years. we're getting darrel a watch also. i've also made christmas cookies again this year.. i just finished them last night. at about 1am. which is why i'm a bit zonked at work this morning. i came to work to try to sort out some stuff, but evidently it wasn't such a great idea.

*
i fear the worst has happened. and of all the fucking people. i hope this is a passing phase, and yet.. i don't know. i am confused.

i have also been stuck in a thinking cloud for a while now. for the week, at least. regarding job compatibility. i think all this thinking is unhealthy, so i'm going to try to push it aside and just hang in there.

i want to leave so badly right now. from time to time, it's a bit asphyxiating to be sitting here. i think i need quality rest. i'm either falling asleep unknowingly with all the lights still on, or sleeping only late at night. this has to stop. i think fatigue clouds your judgement and dulls your senses.

or i could just really be that dumb, and all this tiredness is just an excuse.

*
shiyuan, jiewei and i are going to have a nice christmas dinner tonight. i am very much looking forward to it. i have done by part by dressing up, cuz they are always complaining that i look like crap. i've also taken the liberty of wearing my new wedges, which i adore. i figured there's no harm in gaining a little height while i'm out painting the town red.

the problem is.. i'm so sleepy right now.

but i am looking forward to giving them their gifts and cookies.

i fear i might fall asleep while typing.

time to go walk about.

sunday.

2007-12-16T08:31:00.000+08:00

there's nothing more lovely than wafts of fresh coffee and roti prata floating around on a lazy sunday morning.

the only catch is.. the roti prata is sitting on my work desk and the coffee is hanging at my drawer.

yes yes. i'm at work on sunday. it's been a while since i've worked on sunday. i was at work yesterday too. i'm a little tired, but my work's not finished yet.

i haven't done much christmas shopping yet; haven't really had the time. i'm looking forward to thursday cuz it's a public holiday. then i'll be able to go shopping. i hope. unless i'm working. again.

don't get me wrong, i have no problems working on weekends. it just gets a bit tiring sometimes.

*

caught a movie with the folks last night. the warlords. very violent, mildly gruesome and it seemed to be a movie of epic proportions because of the actors involved, as well as the entire cinematography. the only thing i didn't quite like was that it seemed to be.. pointless, to say the least. 3 sworn brothers end up dead because of an oath they took, and because of a woman that 2 of them liked, or something or other. i thought it was a war movie i was watching. at the end when all died, the first thing on my mind was, 'that's it?'

it's like they didn't want to do a proper ending, so they just flashed the words across the screen "(this guy's name) died on (this date) after being assasinated by (another guy)." "(another guy's name) was then executed 2 months later."

end.

er. okay. thanks for the heads up.

other than the story line though, the rest of it was great. it was heart wrenching, it was depressing, and the 3 heavy weight actors were awesome.

that aside, darrel and i bought some hair dye last night cuz he wanted to try dying his hair. which is what i did for him. the colour's not really kicking in for him cuz it's his first time, but i used the leftover on my own hair to touch up the roots, and i think under sunlight, i could stop traffic. i thought the box said 'frosty brown' dammit.

the girls and i are planning to have a nice christmas dinner next week, but we haven't decided where yet. but i'm looking forward to it. they've been good to me, and it's been a relatively challenging year for us, all in all. i think we need a good treat. :)

so project red cross love was last weekend. it was heart warming, i fell in love with one of the little boys because he's so incredibly sweet and adorable. i started talking to him because i saw him getting restless during one of the performances. he jumped into my arms happily and we started our happy banter. he's about 5 i think. from one of the homes. the sweetest smile.

it was a good project, in a nutshell. a few things were overlooked, but the children had a good time, and we managed to pull off all the activities we had planned for them. i'd consider it a success, despite the many many challenges we've faced during our half year of preparation work. i'd more or less wanted to throw in the towel a few weeks ago because it was so agonizing, but i'm glad everything worked out. the question now of course is whether i'll be able to commit next year as well. we'll have to wait and see.

okay the combination of the roti prata and coffee is kicking in. i think i need to take my morning shit. and get back to work. yay.

beyond repair.

2007-12-11T10:28:00.000+08:00

i realize now that i usually blog if i'm unhappy and have no one to talk to. and while this isn't generally acceptable while you're at work, i have no other way of releasing this pent up frustration. nobody at work really knows who i am, or bothers to know either. which is perfectly fine, since this is a place of work. what i don't really understand is how a person can decide as and when he likes to terrorize you after work, by butting into every detail of your personal life - whether i stay out late, whether i go drinking, the clothes i wear, the food i eat etc etc., and claims to care about your well-being in general, and then suddenly he starts to treat you like crap.

i have strong opinions about certain things; and they don't necessarily coincide with my mentor's. i don't need him to accept my opinions, but i sure as hell don't appreciate him imposing his beliefs on me.

well. that was the initial stand anyway.

these days, i just try my best to take it all in. i don't think he realizes how difficult it is for me to keep quiet about something i feel strongly about, and i don't think it matters to him anyway, as long as he wins. but it is difficult, and every now and then i still have outbursts because certain limits are pushed.

today is a very good example.

he has compared me to a fellow colleague that we both do not have very much respect for. we've often talked about how his favourite trait is to shirk responsibility. this morning, he said that my character is "the same as (the fellow colleague)". it pissed me off because after all the effort i've put in the past five months, he feels that i cannot take responsibility for my work, and that i find excuses.

when i make a mistake, i admit that i've made a mistake.

when i say i don't know, it's because i don't know, and not because i'm trying to cover up. if you want someone to carry out a task, set the guidelines and boundaries, then let her do it. you don't give her the title of the task and send her free wheeling on her own, then fuck her if she makes mistakes that she (or any other colleague) was unaware of. i think it's fuckin' unfair.

and then he tells me that he doesn't even want to tell me if i've made mistakes anymore nowadays because i'm too "sensitive".

if i've made a mistake, tell me i've made a mistake. don't make it a personal attack on my integrity.

this is fuckin' bullshit. the person that i am outside of work and the person that i am, at work now, are completely different.

if it were up to the real me, i would have shoved my shoe in your mouth by now.

and yet at work, i can only let you stomp all over my face, and then i mutter, "i'm sorry".

i'm a disgrace.

mundane.

2007-12-10T12:48:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i'm not so sure if this is what i want anymore.

whenever questioned, i used to tell people with pride where i work and what i do. these days, i feel like my job's mostly about pushing papers and clearing shit where necessary. if i take instructions from my manager, it looks like i'm superceding my project controller. if i take revert his instructions to my project controller, it looks like i'm disobeying my manager.

earlier on while i was bored, i came up with this:

Life is as such.

Work speed:
- If you finish your work fast, people ask why you have nothing to do.
- If you finish your work slow, people ask why you work so slowly.
- If you offer to help after you’ve completed your work, people ask why you aren’t focusing on your own job instead.
- If you don’t offer to help, people think you can’t handle different tasks.

Working as a team:
- You always get fucked for other people’s mistakes.
- If you keep quiet when you get fucked, you’ll always get fucked.
- If you make noise when you get fucked, you’re shirking responsibility.
- If you chase after other people in order to complete your work, you’re too pushy.
- If you don’t chase after these people, you have no drive.

Speaking up:
- If you speak your mind freely when you’re unhappy with a situation, you’re a bitch.
- If you keep quiet when you’re unhappy with a situation, you’re a bitch.
- If you make mingle with your colleagues, you’re either a flirt or a social butterfly.
- If you don’t mingle with your colleagues, you’re anti-social.

Incompetence:
- If you speak up about someone else’s incompetence, you’re a snob and a bitch.
- If you don’t identify someone else’s incompetence, you’re incompetent.

how do you convince yourself that you enjoy your job? i wonder if its because of my incompetence or lack of ability to deal with difficult situations, which is unbecoming of me. everything seems to be looming so heavily these days, sometimes i feel like i can't breathe.

i hate this feeling.

oodles.

2007-11-02T12:41:00.000+08:00

it's november! the last entry was on 25th September. it has been too long. i miss blogging, but everytime i log in and start typing, it starts to feel like such a chore.

much has happened in the past month. work has been eventful and getting more stressful. our preparation for the community service event has been extremely eventful. coupled together.. it's been very challenging. i foresee it will only get tougher.

on the brighter side of things.. i got my driver's licence (much to the disbelief of many many people)! i took my test last tuesday and got my licence in the mail yesterday.

i also have an ulcer under my tongue which refuses to go away. i have been very careful in the food i eat (apart from my daily dose of milo); i have a sandwich in the morning, oatmeal porridge for lunch, and home-cooked dinner. and yet.. it refuses to go away.

i am currently sleep-deprived (as i usually am) because i've had less than 8 hours of sleep over the past 2 nights. i am also chowing down on instant noodles as i type as i'm trying to stay away from oily oily food.

i've got the sleepys. -_-

last night, i had an epiphany. i think that it's important for women to be independent and strong, because we're genetically fucked, as compared to men. physically we're weaker, and we have our emotions (oh what a glorious little word) that get the better of us sometimes (because men seem emotionless and nonchalent a lot of the times), and supposedly women have a higher threshold for pain than men. hello? why would we want to have a higher threshold? so that we can take more shit than men? why would we want to? so basically, we're fucked.

but we can learn to be independent. it's not always easy, but i think it's very important, especially because we seem to be the weaker sex. the danger comes when you start to rely on someone for something - emotionally, financially, mentally etc. i'm not saying women should be emotionless, unfeeling robots.. we just need to learn to stand on our own feet.

okay. now i only have 5 minutes left to nap before i get back to work.

snore.

rain.

2007-09-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

today has been an exhilarating day at work. quite unexpectedly, i was suddenly coordinating a shipment to batam. it was an interesting job, and while most of it was new to me, i think i did fairly well, considering my pillar of guidance wasn't at work today. if everything goes on track, we might even be able to ship our material out earlier than planned. i'm pleased. today was a good day at work.

so good, that i went out of my mind and decided to go jogging after work (the half-tub of ben & jerry's chunky munky from yesterday was pretty good motivation too). so i figured, if i used to be able to run ten rounds around the track in the past.. i should still be able to jog without passing out. so i started off breezily, good pace, face in the wind, smiling. everything was so dum-dee-dum and energizing.. for about the first one or two minutes.

and then i started to feel the full effects of not exercising for the past few months. lead-laden feet, fat jiggly ass not knowing which way to jiggle, struggling to keep my back straight, conjuring all sorts of funny cheers in my head to keep running. the torment. oh god.

i survived 30 minutes of jogging (and wheezing and panting).

i figured it's a good enough start for now, at least.

so.. yeah. i've been so occupied lately that i don't really have time to sit down and think and blog. so most of the past few entries have been mindless ranting, i think.

*
last friday my uncle organized a family barbecue at sentosa cove, one degree fifteen. he rented a yacht. doesn't do much, it just stays there. we went on board, cooked our food, ate, drank wine, chatted. didn't intend to stay overnight, but darrel was quite keen on it, so being the wonderful sister that i am, i decided to stay on too. but it turns out we couldnt stay on the yacht, and had to sleep in rooms in the country club instead. which was fine and dandy, because the whole place was so luxurious. the problem was i didn't sleep well. no idea why.

so we woke up in a nice luxurious room, with a marvellous view of the sunrise, reflected gently in the water, with yachts docked at bay. very pretty. very picturesque.

i tried to be as awe-struck as i could, but somehow i just couldn't muster it. typically i would have gone for a walk around the entire place, snapping photos as we went along. all i could manage for this little outing was a picture of sunrise. and that was taken while i was lying in bed. i subsequently fell back asleep.

couldn't help but think that our little trip to hongkong in november will be so much more fun. yes yes, we are going to hongkong in november. short family trip. very excited.

okay. that's it. i'm not thinking properly anymore. my thoughts are scattered, incoherent.

i need to sleep.

ratatouille.

2007-09-17T22:26:00.000+08:00

on saturday, i received an sms from dear ol' desmond. sensing there was some form of emergency, i decided it was time to meet up with him, considering our last bitching session was about 2 weeks ago already. true to form, desmond showed up all armed and ready with his latest stories of anguish and agony. in other words.. he was being terrorized by girls.

that aside, we had a good time. we caught ratatouille, which was hilarious. it was a much needed break for both of us. after the movie, we headed down to clark quay and had a beer (same place where we were last time), and continued bitching. thank you for an evening of normalcy.

when i was in the cab on the way home, i suddenly felt like i had a lot to be thankful for. yes, there were still a few grey areas in my life, but there's still much to be thankful for. i have a job which i like (let's hope it stays this way for a long time), i have people who care about me a lot, and my family's happy. it's just that sometimes, it's easy to let the bad stuff get you down, and it's difficult to get perspective when you're bogged by negative thoughts. even as i type, i am still filled with skepticism. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i want to register these thoughts of contentment while i still have them in mind.

that aside, today's been a fairly interesting day. i feel like i'm coming into my job a lot more. but that's just today. and it's also been interesting because one girl alone successfully managed to piss off 4 people that are supposedly in charge of her work. very bad move. we are the ones who will ultimately determine your grade, little one. kicking us in the arse when you think we aren't looking. we're always looking. kids these days.

i wonder what new fodder she will produce tomorrow.

fleur.

2007-09-13T20:57:00.002+08:00

so today's thursday. normally i'm quite happy by thursday evenings because the next day is friday, and on fridays i usually (ok, sometimes) get off work at 5pm (if i'm not working overtime), then head out to meet my friends. but tomorrow i have driving lessons, which means i have to fork out additional cash. and by the time my driving lesson ends, i will have no time to go anywhere. and after friday is saturday, which is a red cross day for me. and normally i'm quite happy about saturdays being red cross days because i get to meet up with yuan and jiewei, and bitch and laugh and still accomplish our tasks for our project.

but recently we've been so bogged down by administrative matters that it's absolutely draining the life out of us. i loathe it. can i please stop doing admin work? :(

and it's so difficult to keep up sometimes because it's a mad rush at work.

i've been sick all week. fever, flu, sorethroat. it's miserable. and i'm so tempted to just take the day off and sleep all day, but there's work to be done. plus i have a sneaky suspicion that it's a bit of the laziness that's making me want to take the day off, and i can't have that happening 2 months into the job.

i went to see the doctor 2 nights ago, and as i was walking to the clinic, i suddenly felt terribly alone. i know it's pathetic, but the feeling just crept it. suddenly the walk to the clinic seemed longer and more weary. i didn't know who to look for either. a few times i picked up my phone and started to text some people, but i just deleted the messages and kept the phone.

they should have a book, like, "101 ways to be happy". then for each time i feel unhappy, i'd just flip to any page and pick up some useful tip, like "dance in the rain" or something. anything.

and it's frustrating. it's not that i'm terribly unhappy. but there's just this little emptiness that keeps nudging me every now and then, and it's becoming more frequent these days (maybe because of PMS, haha). it's sickening la.

ooh on the brighter side of life.. i bought my ipod online last night! :))

it's the 30gig ipod that's already been phased out, but i liked it so much i decided to get it online anyway. it'll be arriving in about 2 weeks. i can't wait.

darrel's also very generously decided to shift the xbox to my room instead (and by generously i mean he got bored of it), so i'll have something to pass time with. for now, i mean. haven't played the sims in such a long time. hm.

what the hell. maybe i'll just go to bed.

flower power.

2007-09-09T02:53:00.000+08:00

i haven't been blogging in a long long time.

i've either been working, or just thankful for a break where i don't have to work overtime. don't get me wrong, i enjoy my job. i don't mind the long hours. i'm just thankful for free time, that's all.

it has been challenging lately, and my mettle has been tested time and time again. it really isn't easy. i used to think that my biggest challenge was that i wasn't physically fit enough for the job. but the physical exhaustion is nothing compared to the mental part. and it's not just the stress from the job. it's the people-relations thing that adds fuel to fire. i mean, work's work. when people start getting too close, it starts developing into a sticky situation. i don't know la. it's challenging trying to balance everything out.

but i appreciate challenges.

whenever i was unhappy when i was still staying in hall, i used to think that all the unhappiness and disappointments and hiccups i faced were like tests of my endurance and strength. which is why somehow or other, i try to grit my teeth and claw my way through (i think). somehow i think i've forgotten this. i must try to apply this more.

today after the red cross meeting, we went for a recce. we apprehensively decided on a location because of our tight schedule, and the many hiccups that have happened along the way. after the recce, yuan, jiewei and i went down to vivocity for dinner. we ate at this place called fig and olive, which is quite good. italian (inspired) cuisine, with very good use of herbs and olives. we had grilled dory with mushroom sauce and pasta, and a chicken mango chutney sandwich. the pasta and fish were quite good, but the sandwich was very good.

oh and yuan and i bought some accessories today. while i thought it was quite unlikely of me to buy such accessories (oh my god the rubberband with the flower), i was quite happy with them.

recently i have been obsessed with ipods. i initially wanted to get the black ipod (30gig), which costs SGD$436, with free delivery and free engraving. and i was so enthralled with the free engraving bit cuz i think it would make my ipod so much more unique.

and then i saw the new designs for ipod classic.

i've only seen pictures of it online, and i don't think it's as attractive as the original 30gig ipod. but it is a lower cost for more space ($428 for 80 gig). these apple people. they're dangling the bait, waiting for me to bite. plus the front is less likely to scratch because it's a matt aluminum casing.

and then i see the ipod touch, which is so pretty. but as with most touch screen gadgets, i am a bit skeptical. plus the price is considerably heftier ($498 for 8 gig). i think it's because it's a flash drive.

and then ian and i get to talking about this, and i find out that apple sells refurbished ipods for a much lower price. i am almost ready to dish out my money, except for my apprehension about refurbished products. ian assures me that he himself bought a refurbishe nano, and some of his other friends have also done the same, and all of them are happy with their ipods.

i am sorely tempted. help!

(i love the red that the new nano comes in. ugh.)

argh! i just checked my online shopping cart. the original 30gig ipod (brand new) is now $388. thanks for the price revisions. i like.

should i or should i not? should i? i think i should. the delivery takes 5 to 7 days.

i'm so excited.

river.

2007-08-29T23:07:00.000+08:00

its been an interesting week. i've caught up with a few friends, had a lot of laughs, a lot of fun. on tuesday i met up with yizhuang and shiyuan for dinner, after which yizhuang and i went for the movie preview of hairspray.

it is fabulous.

if i'm not wrong, the broadway show was in singapore a few years ago, but i didn't catch it, and there wasn't a lot of publicity about it back then. but this. this is a really really fun movie to watch. the singing, the dancing, the colours. it's all so vibrant. it's the kind of movie that leaves you smiling even after you've left the cinema.

on friday i met up with ian and des.. it's interesting because we've never gone out as a together before, and as it turns out.. we had a really good time. had dinner at marche at vivocity, then went down to clark quay, where des said there was a flea market for vintage goods. turns out it was just stalls selling ladies' stuff, handbags, clothes, accessories.. y'know. then we went to this al fresco area for some beer, and ended up chatting the night away. it was fun catching up with them, and reminiscing about hall life. it was only a few months ago, but there's always so many stories to tell, so much to share.

recently i have been questioning myself a lot. my confidence is faltering, and my faith is slightly shaken. there are people (person) who've been telling me how incredibly difficult and challenging my job is going to be, and the obstacles it entails, and the sacrifices i have to make.

i came into this job knowing it's going to be tough. it's a man's world, and i feel like a little girl sometimes.

sometimes, self-confidence is not enough. you need someone to believe in you too.

it's terrifying.

it's not the job itself that's giving me stress. it's me. i'm going to need a lot more strength to pull myself through.

23.

2007-08-19T12:03:00.000+08:00

i am officially 23.

today we went to chin huat live seafood restaurant for a nice family dinner. for my birthday, of course. dad doesnt spend money like that on food anymore these days. i'd been looking forward to dinner today the entire week.. and i was not disappointed.

first we had soup. apparently it was made using fish bones from giant garoupa. and when we saw the giant garoupa outside, it was gigantic. then we had lobster sashimi. oh my god. they served it in sashimi style, but they also provided a small pot of boiling stock, so if we liked we could have it boiled as well. then we had snow crab, which absolutely had to be the highlight of the evening. so sweet and succulent and juicy.

and then we had fried noodles with the leftover lobster (which wasn't used as sashimi). fantastic. dad loved it. he actually used the word "beautiful", which was suprising because it's so difficult to get any form of compliment from dad. i would have taken pictures of this dish but we were too busy eating. such pretty colours. the bright orangey red lobster amidst the friend noodles and mushroom. awesome.

lobster on a boat.

attack of the giant lobster.

giant snow crab: before...

... and after. heh.

these oysters are gigantic and heavy and delicious. i love the fried garlic and spring onions sprinkled on top.

giant garoupa: tiny in the photo, but they're actually about a metre in length.

dad's stoned (waking up at 5am does that to you). but thanks for dinner anyway.

*
on my birthday itself, i received a phonecall from my manager who was at the head office. he said noel had just delivered a bouquet of flowers and he accepted them on my behalf. i was quite embarrassed because my manager was receiving the flowers for me, but most of all i was curious about who sent them. he briefly mentioned it was from my "buddies".

when i went to pick them up later in the evening.. i was so thrilled because i realized it was from yuan and jiewei. i was all smiles.. until i realized that my manager probably saw the card.

which reads: "to the pretty little bitch, you're not getting older, you're getting better.. you bitch! from beauty yuen and princess jiewei."

sigh. what an awkward awakening he must have had.

but thank you everyone who sent their well wishes via sms and msn. even amanda smsed me from canberra! i love you so much.

i had a wonderful thursday evening.

spoke to my cousin on the phone about work not too long ago. its always good to talk to him. he's a wonderment because he always seems to have the answers. thank you for everything.

hmm. i seem to have so much to say. i haven't been blogging as much as i'd like i guess. usually when i get home, i'm either worn out from work, or the plethora of activities after work. mom thinks i'm a little mad because i wake up at 5.45am everyday, and still find the energy to maintain a social life after work.

ooh! jiewei and yuan and i went to watch 881 yesterday. its hilarious! so typically singaporean. i love it. i promised mom to get the dvd for her when it's released. tuesday i'll be watching hairspray with yizhuang, who has very generously offered me a preview ticket. i'll also be seeing her on monday, with yuan, for buffet dinner. we've talked about buffeting for a while; it's finally happening!

yesterday we ate at white dog cafe at vivocity. two thumbs up; fairly interesting dishes (apetizers and main courses) and warm customer service. chocolate fudge milkshake is to die for. yum.

think i'll be doing a face mask tonight. the emotional stress, terrible sleeping hours and (severe) lack of exercise is taking a toll on my skin.

yet despite all this.. i am trying to keep my spirits up. afterall.. i am only 23.

fortitude.

2007-08-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

today i have finally come to realize the true challenge of my job...

... being female.

it's hard to break into a man's world, especially where conditions are harsh and unforgiving. i'm not blaming anyone, because this was a choice of my own, but it is challenging.

especially when people start circulating pictures of you around the office.

oh the wonderment of the internet. thank you. sigh.

because of the job i wish to pursue, i inevitably have to impose certain restrictions on my personal life. evidently, i can't post pictures of myself in swimwear anymore (as i did with my bintan photos; and these were group photos, not the dial-my-chatline kind of photo), i can't dress as i used to (no skirts, no low-cut/v-neck tops, no spag tops, no halter necks, no off shoulder tops, no racer backs), and no friends.

today i'm starting to realize what a complete idiot i've been. presumably, when you're in a new environment, it's advisable to get on everyone's better side, right? but currently i'm guessing this was a wrong move. somehow there are people who feel i'm too close to certain people, and this is raising concerns. i'm worried this will hinder my progress at work. i want to go far in this line, and i want to do my job well. i don't want these little things to get in the way. it's a lousy excuse for impeding my growth there.

nobody will ever respect me for who i am, or who i want to become, if things don't change soon. i realize this now, and changes need to be made.

i think some of the old trixie needs to come back.

but is it necessary to be hard and cold? i'm confused. it's not like i'm getting personal with these people at work. i'm not telling them my life story. we just happen to joke and laugh sporadically.

apparently this makes us "close" friends. ugh.

*
i think i need to start taking care of myself. apart from improving (re-starting) my night time beauty regime (moisturizer, at least), i think i need to make up for my lack of sleep with more fruit during meals (perhaps during lunch), and taking more vitamins. i feel myself getting more lethargic because i hardly get 5 hours of sleep a day. and with a job that tests your mettle to the fullest sometimes.. i need the energy. i suspect i should start going to the gym again too. i'm thinking during the weekends, because there is no way i could drag my ass to the gym after work.

yes, today has been a day of many revelations.

things have to change.

you.

2007-08-12T00:44:00.000+08:00

it's been a tiring day.

had our red cross meeting today, as we normally do on most saturdays. it was a draining session, as it is sometimes. i am thankful that shiyuan and jiewei are around.

after the meeting, we had dinner. then mom and i went to watch 'the king and i'. it was brilliant. it was so colourful, and the movement was so fluid, and the singing was spectacular.

i wished i'd gotten to enjoy it fully.

*
met up with rachel last night, together with jiewei and shiyuan. havent seen rachel in such a long time. things haven't been going well, but it's good to see she's trying to make the most of everything she has now.

i also found out that she's been getting counselling from jiewei's psychology professor. i'm actually very keen on talking to him very soon too. i think i need professional help, in a few areas. there are a few things i really need to sort out, and i don't think i can figure it out on my own.

["sometimes you can't make it on your own" - U2.]

ditto.

frapp.

2007-08-09T01:32:00.000+08:00

the past few days at work have been good. i have been learning new things amidst arguing with people. i have also been given slightly more responsibilities, for which i am glad.

that aside, tonight has been lousy.

i often talk about how happy i am with my job, and how i've been trying to keep busy.

the strong talk aside.. i'm just the sad fuck who's walking down the mall alone, iced frapp in her hand. i know i should be happy with what i have now. and most of the time, i really am. it's just days like these.. i don't know. a worrysome mind shouldn't be left to wander.

and i felt even more like a sad sob when i heard 2 ladies having a familiar conversation:

"i'm the kind of person who needs to be kept occupied, otherwise i will start to think about a lot of unnecessary things. that's why i like to keep busy."

"yah me too. i like to have a hands-on job that keeps me occupied also."

sigh.

is this the generic excuse women have? yes yes, i like being busy so that i don't have to think about "other things"?

sometimes i worry that all this is a facade i put on for myself, to mask the dissatisfaction i have with myself. the intermittent sense of insecurity, feelings of emptiness and wretchedness. i wonder if i've put up this front to cover up for all that i'm lacking in.

i really hope not.

i don't think so. i don't think its a facade.

some days i feel strong enough to take on the world. some days i wonder where i will draw my strength from.

the recent blog entries are starting to look depressing.

this has to stop.

confused.

2007-08-06T23:52:00.000+08:00

i need clarity in my life.

i hate clutter. i hate emotional mess. everything seems to be so intertwined that it's sickening.

it's been such an emotionally trying day.

i've been trying to leave my past behind. not as in the past memories, or people in my life. as in.. the old me. i thought i've been a happier person the past 2 months. i don't know why today's been so exhausting and reminiscent of the past.

sometimes i feel like i was assigned to this site to be more than an engineer. but i don't think it's supposed to work this way. i want to do well at my job.

i want to be a good engineer.

and now that someone's actually given me the chance to prove myself.. i really hope i do.

*
it's been so tiring. which is why i haven't been blogging. but i've been trying to make full use of my time. i'm either working, or spending time with people who care about me (and of course who i care about too), and red cross stuff. i come home thoroughly exhausted, and start the day really tired as well, but at least i feel like i've accomplished something.

which is why today sucked balls.

i feel like i spent most of my time wincing in pain, and worrying about things, and moping around. today wasn't very productive at all.

tomorrow is going to be different (i hope).

tomorrow i want to accomplish more. tomorrow i don't want to be wincing in pain (this isn't entirely within my control, but i hope it doesn't happen).

*
so far the most challenging part of the job.. is being a girl.

during the barbecue i had a guy blatantly look down my shirt and ask where my husband was. what the fuck? and i found out today he was trying to feel up another female colleague too. this is the most outright display of menareslutsarism (men-are-sluts-arism). i turned and walked away very quickly. and it's not like i was wearing a low cut top or anything. i was wearing a perfectly decent long sleeved blouse.

shopping is becoming more challenging. i can't just wear any tshirt because i don't want them to think i'm a little girl (okay okay, i bought a carebears tshirt - i couldn't resist), it can't be v-neck or scoop top because i might show too much skin accidentally, it should be comfortable, but shouldnt look like maternity wear (what lousy feedback to get for an empire-cut blouse). ugh. the hassle.

but it's a perfectly good excuse to go shopping again. ha ha.

grumpy.

2007-07-31T20:23:00.000+08:00

yes, today i am wearing my vintage carebears tshirt. it says 'this is my grumpy shirt'. and the shirt says it all. it's a particularly bleh evening.

maybe because i had a slight argument today. it wasn't much, but i just felt tired after that. i don't really remember accomplishing much today, i just remember being tired most of the day. which is really annoying because i actually woke up refreshed this morning. bummer.

sometimes it gets really frustrating trying to validate your actions. i don't usually feel like i owe anyone any explanation about what i do in my personal time, but i also don't like people walking away thinking about how stupid i am.

i don't know. i just feel so tired today.

if this becomes a pattern, i think i'm going to lose all motivation to have a social life.

*
i usually notice this when i'm on the train, but haven't blogged about it because it keeps slipping my mind.

y'know how a lot of the times the train is packed in the morning cuz of rush hour? and sometimes when there's a seat, you'd think the aunties would go rushing for them?

wrong.

first of all, most of the passengers who take the train at 6.20am are men. secondly, it's the men who rush for the seats - pushing and shoving aside all who stand in the way of the holy passage to the one seat they hold so highly on the pedestal.

i mean.. seriously? men can be such pigs sometimes. halloo, there are ladies around you too y'know. it wouldn't hurt to just take a mere glance too see if the womenfolk need to rest their aching feet from heels, or if the ladies are tired from lugging big bags over their shoulders, or if the aunties want to sit down because they can't possibly stand all the way to boon lay. but noooo. it is always the fit and able-bodied middle-aged men who rush for these highly revered seats.

ugh.

so far, only one man has asked if i wanted the seat instead. i don't know if this is an amazing statistic, but i am grateful that he did. however i had to politely decline because i knew if i sat down, i'd slip into deep slumber.

*
work's been good so far. i don't know if i'm contributing as much as i'm supposed to, but i am learning things. i try to keep up most of the time, but i sometimes find myself lost amidst the flurry of excitement. haha. it has been fruitful and fulfilling so far, and i hope it continues to be so.

i am really tired tonight.

hypocrites.

2007-07-30T23:26:00.000+08:00

hypocrites. all hypocrites.

more and more these days, a lot of things that people have said to me in the past are surfacing as lies, pretences and bullshit.

lies. lies, all lies!

okay i'm sorry. that was a little melodramatic.

just feeling a little crotchety tonight.

maybe because i'm tired. maybe because there are pending issues to be resolved. i try not to think about the past now, because i have a lot at present to worry about. whether i'll do well at my job, whether this year's red cross project will go well (i worry about this every year; thankfully it always does), whether i'll get any fatter or shorter or uglier, whether anyone actually gives a flying fuck about whether i'm around for gatherings, about my existential purpose..

i think i think too much.

red.

2007-07-22T23:19:00.000+08:00

i got my first paycheck on friday. it was an ecstatic feeling. i went out and shopped around for a bit before meeting up with ber and mei. i saw a little musical device that they have in musical boxes, and i was so enthralled with it. we chanced upon it because i had to withdraw some money at marina square, and it was one of the only shops still open at 1130pm. ber bought one for michelle too. hope she likes hers. :)

and then i bought a blouse. and some earrings. and a hairclip.

the next day i bought chili red nail polish, and a facial scrub. i love my nails. they're bright and red now. my brother thinks i'm insane.

ber's going to be part of SIA. so proud of you ber. not very many people have the courage to pursue their dreams.

on saturday morning, yuan and i went to help out at cheshire home. it was a bit emotional for me, coming into contact with so many of their patients. we had brilliant conversations, played games, wheeled them around a bit. it's sad because they had such great lives, and because of their current disability, they won't be able to do the same. i know there are people out there who think that their lives don't have to stop because of their disability, but it's really difficult for them. i don't know why it was so heart wrenching for me.

things at work have taken an interesting turn. not going to blog about all of them, but they've been interesting. let's hope they don't turn into problems. oh i have an online stalker! who has started sms-ing me. like i said, the scary thing about a girl working in a male-dominated environment is that all of them know who you are, but you don't know them.

during one of the nights last week, i fell back into my past. it was a lousy feeling, and i hadn't anticipated it. neither has it happened in a long time. and it's strange because while i refer to it as my 'past', it wasn't that long ago.

and sometimes the more i think about it, the angrier i get. with myself, and whoever's involved.

oh what the fuck.

cowrie.

2007-07-18T23:44:00.000+08:00

i am tired. i mean, i'm usually tired after work, but i'd still be energetic enough to bounce around the house and disturb everyone. today, i just want to plop in front of the laptop, check my email, then watch friends.

was supposed to have a late night, but tuition was cancelled at the last minute, so i have the night off. just as well. it's been a mentally trying day. everyday is, actually. but today was particularly trying. i'm sure there's much more to come. i'm a little intimidated at how much there is to take in, but it's something i'll have to grit my teeth and pull through. i'm quite determined to stay on, and i don't want to pull out halfway. i don't want to disappoint anyone because there are people who have such high hopes. i really really hope i don't disappoint anyone.

usually dad drops me off at clementi on his way to work, but today (and henceforth), i had to make my way to work on my own. and during this long journey to work, i am suddenly reminded that men are such dogs. i mean, i'm almost used to the eyeballing i get at the site, but on the train? do men really have to ogle so blatantly like that? all the way from serangoon to jurong east. it's not that its scary or intimdating because it's on a crowded train, but it's really really annoying.

night view at pasar ole ole. bernard is an excellent photographer.

late night snack.

posing while lounging.

oily and tanned. sweaty beach bunnies (not) in a buggy.

evidently we're in a world of our own.

everyone's looking at ber's erm.. shorts.

on the way home from bintan.

*
well.. thats the second instalment of the bintan photos. should be the last one too cuz they take forever to upload. thanks to ber's wonderful remote control, we had no problems posing for the camera time and time and time again. it was so much fun, can't wait to do it again.

see you guys on friday. :)

vertigo.

2007-07-14T01:07:00.000+08:00

when i wake up in the morning, i rub the sleep from my eyes, then head to the toilet for a quick shower. as the water hits my face, i think about the day i'll have ahead - what i'll have for breakfast, whether i'll have tasks assigned, what i should have for lunch, whether i'll finish my work, and what to do after work.

i dress up, have a hot drink, then drag my lead-laden feet downstairs where dad is waiting. dad has been kind enough to send me to clementi every morning, and for this i am truly grateful. its good motivation to get an early start to the day, and guarantees that i'll never be late.

at work, i laugh, i question, i mingle, i do what i can. i am skeptical about my progress, but hopeful. i enjoy the company, and appreciate how much some people are willing to guide and teach me. they don't need to, but they do.

friday night. i meet up with a couple of friends. we eat, we talk, we shop, we laugh. it's been a pleasant evening, and it's always nice to see them.

i arrive home. a few phonecalls made, and then i shower. following which, i proceed to enjoy the most luxurious pampering of the week.

i put a few drops of white musk oil in my incense burner, and switch to the soft yellow lights. i slather on body butter, because my skin's still peeling (my thighs, my arms.. it's been 2 weeks since bintan!) and put on cotton socks after moisturizing my feet. i plop on a facial mask, then pop in a U2 DVD ("i'm irish; i can't dance", says bono).

fuckin' excellent. i am almost reluctant to take my eyes off it while i'm blogging. the energy is electrifying and the music is fantastic. i will save up for either a red hot chili peppers or metallica DVD next. these things are pricey.

all in all, it's been good at work so far. i'm happy. i hope things will only get better and more fulfilling.

back to U2.

earth.

2007-07-08T01:14:00.000+08:00

today's the live earth concert. darrel has been waiting up to watch metallica. no such luck yet. i've been hoping to catch red hot chili peppers too, but i don't know if ive already missed them. i haven't been guarding the telly.

i did have a long piece i wanted to blog about regarding the dismal response of singaporeans to the whole our-environment-is-in-danger message, but somehow i've just lost the drive to talk about it.

because this is turning out to be one lousy night.

i don't think its because i'm tired. i don't know. i had an assortment of funny dreams last night. like the barr at work with his laptop. like me going for my A level oral exams. i woke up at about 8am unknowingly only to realize the sky was really dark and that it was pouring outside. i replied a few smses, then went back to sleep.

the rest of the day was alright i suppose. red cross meeting, a bit of shopping, dinner with family, then telly. i went against doctor's orders and indulged in venison & crayfish for dinner, and then proceeded to have a bit of mango mousse and brownie. so yes, my stomach's acting up again right now.

was watching 'can't hardly wait' just now, and suddenly it just got so depressing. these fictitious people had friends, and companions, and dreams. and me? the only connection i have to the outside world is my job and my laptop. its pathetic.

i don't have friends to go out with, and i certainly don't have anyone to talk to tonight. nobody bothers asking me out because everyone has their own valid reason. "i'm really busy", "my week's packed", "you're a big girl, you have other friends", "see how la ok?"

and people whom you thought were friends.. well. what the fuck?

i want a fuckin' social life. i already don't have a personal life to speak of, and now i don't even have a social one. and it's not like i haven't tried. if anyone gives me the "why don't you ask your friends out instead" bullshit, i'm going to snap.

i hate it la okay? i hate it.

i'm miserable.

why is it that people can choose to just walk out of your lives anytime they want? it's selfish and it's conceited.

weili would understand. unfortunately, he's somewhere canoodling with beach bunnies in florida. i'm happy for you.

i'm just not happy for me.

poison.

2007-07-06T19:51:00.000+08:00

well. it's my first week of work, and while i'd like to say i've learnt a lot and accomplished much, i can't. because i've been on medical leave the past 2 days.

the first day was because the doctor said i had viral gastritis. i took the medicine and didn't get any better (in fact the pain got worse), and on the second day i was on medical leave for food poisoning, because apparently i didn't have viral gastritis. fuckin' awesome. apparently because of the food poisoning, i'm supposed to lay off all kinds of food except porridge, which i didn't because i was under the impression that i had viral gastritis. hence the escalated pain. it's all very disturbing.

but i'm better now, and some colleagues have emailed to send their well wishes. well.. just one. sigh. i really wanted to get things going, and it is such a lousy feeling to be sick and not doing anything when i was all ready to go.

and i haven't even started bitching about my shoes. the first day, i went to work in formal office wear, which included a pair of heels. great fuckin' idea that was. by the end of the day, i wanted to walk around barefooted.

that evening i decided to buy a pair of decent flats, which i did. dad said to get something good, so i bought a pair of marie claire pumps. very formal, very simple. unfortunately, it was also very stiff and hard, which gave me a lot of painful blisters which i had to ignore the next day at work, because i had a lot of running around to do. up the stairs, down the stairs.. tragic.

on the third day, i was stranded at the jurong island pass office alone for a good three hours because:

1) i had to make the jurong island pass.
2) the counter wasn't open til 830am, and they dropped me off there at 750am.
3) i had to queue for more than 30 minutes and when it was finally my turn,
4) turns out i'm supposed to have a letter from the company to apply for the pass. since i didn't,
5) i had to wait another good 15 to 20 minutes for them to fax it over.

it all seems very trivial, but if you're a girl sitting alone at the jurong island office at rush hour, being eyeballed by contractors and foremen the entire time, you'd be a little unnerved too.

so yeah. on wednesday afternoon after lunch, the pain kicked in, and i really couldn't focus much on anything. i was really quite disappointed at myself.

i've been on medical leave for the past 2 days, and eating plain porridge is killing my tastebuds.

actually.. i have a confession to make.

i had a cookie this afternoon.

okay fine.. i had two. but that's all the prohibited food i had.

it was a chocolate chip cookie. i couldnt help it. the porridge.. ugh. i dont know why. usually i'm quite adept to such food, but this afternoon i actually felt nauseated from the porridge. maybe it was because of the medicine. i don't know. but it's too much medicine. i'm supposed to take 9 pills at one sitting. :(

so tomorrow's saturday. red cross meeting. i'll probably head out for a while before the meeting. lunch should be easy to settle. i'll just eat nothing. i remember there's something i'm supposed to be quite excited about, but i can't quite remember what.. ugh. hm.

bintan.

2007-07-01T01:07:00.000+08:00

and we're back from bintan.

it was most excellent and we had tonnes of fun. the first day we got there, we had an expensive lunch, went to the beach for a while, then went to pasar ole ole. the beach was beautiful. white sandy beach, very clear waters, wonderful sun. the market place sold local products which wasnt really to our liking. the one thing that caught our attention was the spa/massage parlour. mei and i went for the asmaragama full body massage, which was supposed to have a revitalizing effect. it was fantastic. the masseuse was very good, and the massage was very good. really really very good.

we basically ate junk food for the rest of our meals - instant noodles, instant cream soup, chips, crackers, preserved mango, kueh lapis, chips, crackers, beer. had a very fulfilling and enjoyable breakfast too. international buffet. bernard was very happy with the buffet. great food. i had milk, orange juice and coffee at one sitting, without running to the loo.

we spent the entire next day at the beach.. me, mei, des and ber. and we all got sunburnt. haha. we played volleyball and frisbee. i'm a beach bunny! hahaha.

all in all bernard took 369 photos, which is amazing for a 2d1n trip. bintan was a good trip, and it was great company that made it better. i love them. everyone has their part to play in this wonderful relationship. haha. its heartwarming really.

will put up more photos when i get them from bernard.

we arrive at the ferry terminal in bintan, bright and chirpy.

enjoying our rooms. very pretty place.

getting ready for the beach.

the long-legged and the short-legged.

fun in the sun.

huge grins in the cab.

girls only, en route to the market place.

goodbye.

2007-06-25T10:23:00.000+08:00

i was awakened by a phonecall this morning, and just like other similar incidences recently, i couldn't go back to sleep. usually i would have wanted nothing more than to just fall back to sleep.

so i went about my business, checking email and reading the papers and such. and then i saw this one article. it first caught my attention because it was a picture of a very good-looking boy. and then when i read the article, i got a rude shock.

he'd collapsed and died after a SEA games triathlon selections recently. apparently this teenager from raffles junior college had really wanted the slot, so he trained twice a day during his school holidays. and then after he'd finished the selections with his personal best timing, he collapsed, foaming at the mouth, and his heart had stopped beating.

i think the saddest part is that his parents must have been so proud of him working hard to achieve his goal, and yet he left without saying goodbye. at such a young age. who would have thought.

brilliant, intelligent, young, healthy boy - gone. just like that.

for some reason this article was really disturbing.

i know it sounds incredibly cynical and disrespectful, but after all that hard work, after relentlessly pursuing your dream... not only do you not get to live the dream, you don't get to live at all.

but i guess this is what it means by "fight, or die trying". and for your spirit, i salute you, thaddeus. for someone at such a young age to know what he wants, and worked so hard at it, i salute you. your spirit is admirable, and it is a great pity the rest of the competition didn't work out according to your plans. they say God has greater plans for us, so you're in good hands now.

i'm not suddenly becoming religious.

i'm just hoping its true.

there's just too much bullshit going on in the world today.

blood.

2007-06-24T23:57:00.000+08:00

today dad helped me unpacked my stuff.

well, not so much of unpack. more of transferring-stuff-out-of-boxes-into-drawers. will have to organize my drawers again later. and some other things in the storeroom (this could, of course, never happen).

i guess things are slightly better today. still reeling from the reality check. plus it is relatively difficult to fall asleep at any time of the day because my room's facing the main road. very noisy. plus many many announcements from the mrt station downstairs. in english, malay and tamil thank you very much.

*
watched half of 'V for Vendetta' earlier on. it is a very compelling movie, and i have a good mind to watch the whole movie.

midway through the show, i felt my ear tingle a little so i reached up and prodded it a little. when i looked at my finger again, i saw a glob of blood and pus. my fifth earhole. again. bleeding. plus pus. went to pry the earring off my ear and then applied alcohol solution. of course, the pain shot through my entire body, but the pus and blood started to harden and dry up.

unfortunately, it's drying up around the plastic ear stick i stuck in my ear. so i keep having to rotate it.

excellent weekend story.

i wonder what i should do tomorrow.

lost.

2007-06-23T23:52:00.000+08:00

everything feels so surreal.

i started to freak out on the way back; suddenly it felt like i had to concentrate hard to catch my breath.

i know this is supposed to be a good thing for me, but every moment is getting increasingly agonizing.

i don't know how to make it go away.

past.

2007-06-18T00:51:00.000+08:00

i was reading an old friend's blog, thanks to yizhuang's inquisitive streak. i looked at her list of fellow bloggers, and there was only one guy who blogged. and then i looked at a few other friends' blogs, and realized that most bloggers are girls. so what is it with girls and their incessant need to rant and bitch? don't guys need to bitch too? y'know if they started to, it'd be really cool, cuz then at least man and woman would be communicating.

*
met up with some friends from secondary school yesterday. it was interesting to catch up with them, some of whom i havent seen since secondary school days. most of us are starting work soon, and everyone's more or less in a different industry. no other engineers around, of course.

had lunch at thai express, and then went to ktv. it's not really my scene, but it was kinda fun seeing the girls again.

well. its nearly time. suddenly everything i've tried to surpress is surging out, like floodgates unleashed. it's depressing, and the emotional rollercoaster is oppressive, to a certain extent. it's all i can think of, and there's a heavy sense of loss. i know there's the whole 'oh you should try to think of happier times' bullshit, but the sometimes the darkness just sucks you in.

i just want you to know that when it was good, it was great.

i'm scared because i feel like i'm losing something that's become such a major part of my life the past 4 years. i've spent so much of my time here. from being in a double room to a single room. from being the boyish girl who walked around in berms and baggy tshirts all day to the girl who has very few but dependable friends. i've learnt so much here, and i've grown (horizontally too, no less).

i know i'm supposed to be excited about The New Phase and embrace it eagerly. i know. it's just going to be really difficult letting this go.

and y'know something else that's scary? i've come to realize that i sleep more in hall, and i fall asleep easier at times too. i will always hold the memory of my facing falling to my pillow, snuggling up with my out-of-shape bolster, pulling my blankie over my body, falling asleep watching sex and the city (and having someone very kindly turn off the telly and dvd player in the morning).

i don't want to become a frigid, unadventurous and monotonous person when i move home. i am worried that i'll become that kind of person who's so caught up in work that nothing else matters anymore. i want to have a job, and i want to still be with my friends, to talk and laugh, spend happy times.

these are scary times which i'm handling with trepidation.

please don't let me lose me, and please don't let me lose you.

island.

2007-06-13T16:15:00.000+08:00

just got back from jurong island a while ago. the interview was quite alright, i suppose. i am a little tired of people asking me, "are you sure you want to be a project engineer?"

yes, it's already taken me quite a while to decide that for now, this is what i want to do. but when such questions are thrown at me repeatedly, i can't help but feel a bit shaken.

*
and yet another landmine explodes.

the HR personnel from the company that gave me a job offer, let's call this company A, just called me again. she wanted me to go down to the company for a medical checkup next week already. i told her very honestly that i had gone for another interview with company B, which has a similar job scope, in the same industry. she asked how likely it was that i'd take up the offer from B, if it surfaces. i said i needed time to think about it carefully.

the HR lady from A paused for a good ten seconds, then continued to explain to me that i'd need to get back to her by the end of this week. but she sounded very very put off.

i hope i haven't fucked anything up. ugh.

why is this becoming so difficult?!

*
have been reading manda's blog frequently, and one of the things that really moved me was in one of her older entries:

"i now understand that my mother is always going to be proud of me, so i need no longer only aspire to please her. i understand that answering to myself could be the hardest judge to choose, so i needn't care about people who don't prove to be very much. if i promise to always be hungry for new knowledge, new experiences and new kinships, to maintain my truth, trust and sincerity, my life will unravel in only the most beautiful way."

i wish i had your strength.

its inspiring to talk to you and read your blog, to know the things you've gone through and how you've grown. it's amazing. the same girl i used to laze around and stuff our faces with pizzas with. i'm so proud of you.

disgusted.

2007-06-13T01:30:00.000+08:00

today, i had a loud encounter with a male shrew. i'm using the term 'male shrew', because i don't know what other words fit, without using any profanities.

being the patriot that i am, i support the economy by taking cabs a lot (and mostly because i'm always late, or plain lazy). so today, after picking up my blouses from home, i took a cab back to jurong point (for those of you who are aware, it is an awfully long distance to go).

so i flagged down a cab, told him where my destination was, and buckled up (i am a very cooperative passenger - i always buckle up; also i am a little terrified at how some cabbies drive). he gawked, then told me he needed to top up the fuel tank, if i didn't mind. i was a little surprised, but wasn't annoyed since i wasn't really in a hurry (anymore). so off he drove to the petrol station, topped up, and then started the meter.

after we drove out of the petrol station, he asked me how to get to jurong point. i told him i wasn't sure, but he could take the PIE. he was a little irked that i was ignorant of the location, so he called his friend (presumably another cabbie) to ask. there were no words spoken the entire time, he drove past jurong point without even knowing it, and i told him to make a u-turn.

then the sparks flew. the cab fare was a good $19.10. since i only had 2 fifty dollar bills on me (pocket money for the week), i gave him $50.10. annoyed, he asked if i had any small change, and i apologetically said no, i didn't.

he then started berating me for not carrying small change when i take a cab, and basically made it very clear that i should have small change on me when i take a cab, and that it was incredibly inconsiderate of me not to have any. this went on for quite a while. he got out of the cab and swung the door close, went to the cab in front of his, and asked for change. he didn't get any, of course.

this pissed him off even more. he shouted at me (in mandarin), "what do you expect me to do now la?!"

i was so shocked at his attitude, but i kept everything down and offered to go into the mall and exchange my fifty for smaller bills. he ignored me, looked around, went out again, and managed to get change from a different cabby this time round.

no other words were spoken. he gave me my change, and i got the hell out of his fucking cab.

of course, in words, this all seems very trivial. shumei got the first hand story of this because i just had to call someone about it, and since their customer service office knocked off at 6pm, i wasn't able to reach them.

i was infuriated, and even more appalled his attitude. hello, you could have just told me very nicely that you didn't have change, and i would have gotten you change without so much as raising an eyebrow.

what the fuck. i know what i'm about to say next is going to sound incredibly obnoxious and spoilt, but are cabbies allowed to talk to their customers this way? it's not like i didn't want to pay you y'know. i have a good mind to call the customer service line tomorrow.

oh and in case i haven't mentioned it, it was a silvercab.

so the next time you board a silvercab wherein sits a middle-aged cabby with short dyed hair, beware! not only might he not have change, you could get berated for wanting to pay too. don't say i didn't warn you.

(incidences like these make me very determined to get my licence.)

*
i waited a long time to have my dinner today, but dinner was good. the char kway teow at pioneer road north is good. one of the better ones i've had in a while. good stuff. but not to be consumed frequently.

ooh i received a phonecall from another company today asking me to go for a second round of interviews. i applied for their management trainee programme. we'll see how that goes.

i'm going to catch up on will & grace, then crash. driving lessons bright and early in the morn tomorrow, then it's off to jurong island for an interview in the afternoon. hopefully tomorrow i'll actually find a cabby who's willing to go to jurong island. ugh.

400.

2007-06-12T12:40:00.000+08:00

well lookey here. my 400th post.

i have a feeling this is going to be a difficult week ahead.

i thought i had it all covered. last week, i thought i could deal with any unforseen things that came my way. now.. now i'm not so sure.

and i hate it. because it's frustrating. last week, i made sure everyday was occupied. bouncing around singapore, catching up with friends. this week.. now, all i want to do is sleep or watch shows online. its incredibly annoying because my mind's in such a mess. it's all over the place.

i wonder if it's pms.

"all the world's a stage, and you're just an actor. i, on the other hand, am just a background prop."

got a phonecall yesterday for a second round of interviews with another company. after consideration, i've decided to check out what they have to offer, because their scope seems pretty similar to what i've been offered from the other company, so i'd like to see what the differences are.

*
i know i'll always just be the person you crossed paths with. just a blip on the radar that will disappear eventually. what the fuck happened? (and i guess you'll be the person that taught me never to trust again)

how did things spiral out of control? it's been a fucking mayhem, the past year.

*
i just feel like sleeping the day away. but i can't because there are things to be done. my mind's in so many places, and i can't seem to focus on anything.

oh god what's the fuck's the matter with me?

bottle.

2007-06-10T22:59:00.000+08:00

it's been a long day. woke up early today. to make up for it, i spent most of the afternoon asleep. i had to. i didn't want to think of anything else.

sometimes ripping off the band aid is difficult, but you have to let the wound heal. you can't hide it under the band aid forever.

been looking at quite a few websites about what to do at bintan. it's going to be a short trip so i thought i ought check out the place first. make it as fruitful as possible when we're there. i'm looking forward to it. :)

after this entry, i'm going to cosy up in bed with a small bottle of wine and have some crackers (fat-free, no less), and a book. The Poet & The Murderer is turning out to be quite interesting.

*
received distressing news today about a dear friend. found out that she'd been in depression, and her mom's been battling cancer. among other problems and stresses.

it was particularly hard to hear from her because we went to pay our respects to my grandma today. a lot of memories came back particularly vividly while the monk was chanting prayers.

then when i came back to hall today, i watched the news. i don't know if it was because i was already in a relatively sombre mood, but there was no good news at all.

floods, attacks, death.

it was all so morbid.

life's too short. i don't want to spend a big part of it not knowing what to do, or being unhappy. losing my grandma was a jolt, a wake-up call at how vulnerable and fragile we all are. the things you take for granted could disappear tomorrow. we're so small. but i think if you can embrace all these things that happen to you.. i guess you could become a stronger person. its a lot to take, death, goodbyes, disappointments.

sometimes you feel like you're being crushed by the sheer tenacity of these challenges.

but i guess sometimes.. you just have to close your eyes, take a deep breath, and take it all in. it's all we can do.

contented.

2007-06-08T12:46:00.000+08:00

the school is trying to screw around with us. y'know what time they released the results? midnight.

they could have done it at a decent hour but noooo. midnight.

so anyway, being the eager beaver that i am, once i heard the news i logged in and patiently waited for my results to load.

and yes. i am happy with my results. thank you prof. it has been most excellent. throughout the year of berating, humiliation, persistance, disappointment, and unbelievable stress, the important thing is that at the end of the day, i made it through, and you gave me a good grade. yay. most excellent. i am a happy girl.

the rest of my results are pretty alright, more or less what i expected. not fantastic, but much better than a year ago.

unfortunately i have to wait another 3 weeks to find out what class of honours i'm getting because of my special sem.

oh well.

i'm a happy girl.

:)

48.

2007-06-07T18:21:00.000+08:00

today after my driving lesson, i met up with des to book our tickets to bintan. after which we proceeded to toys'r'us to walk ard abit and look for something for his korean friend.

instead.. we ended up at the 'tiang tiang' machines like little kids, trying to get the toy we wanted. des even had a strategy. we had to single out which were the toys we liked, and then check the probability of getting it.

i ended up getting the Gundam model that he wanted. haha. he collapsed to the ground in a heap, bawling like a little baby. and almost getting run over by a trolley while he was at it.

did i mention that we're already graduates? the little things that entertain our inner child. oh god. haha.

these fall out of the machine...

...and you find these.

with big guns.

this is the one des wanted..

... cuz of its cool backpack.

cobalt.

2007-06-06T19:24:00.000+08:00

one thing i've learnt while studying here is that since our school is tucked away such a faraway place, we can get away dressed as shabbily and uglily as we like. unfortunately, i've caught on and hence go everywhere in my brown flip flops.

today when i traveled all the way across the island to meet mei, i realized how ugly my jeans were, and were made uglier because i decided to fold them up. but nonetheless, i had lunch with her, and went down to PS to walk ard a bit too, being the brave trooper that i am.

i bought a quirky looking shirt and blue eyeliner. very unlike me, but i guess things change. i like the shirt. its.. quirky. and i got it at a 50% discount.

have been trying to make as much use of my time as possible. catching up with friends, reading, changing my body shape (y'know, from round to not-so-round), things like that.

i am also eagerly anticipating my results. should be out by tmr i guess. latest friday. actually.. i think the lesser expectations i have, the better. y'know. leave some room for disappointment. but i'm really excited about it.

met up with des today at PS. he has a funny haircut. walked ard for a bit before going off. seeing him again tmr to book tickets to bintan. me, mei, des and ber are going to bintan at the end of this month. looking forward to it. :))

i am suddenly famished. time for dinner.

cherish.

2007-06-05T22:18:00.000+08:00

its a really quiet night.

reading manda's blog was.. thought-provoking, to say the least. i did a bit of reflecting on what i've been doing, and i was a little disturbed at how little i've achieved the past few years.

basically since i was in secondary school, my life was more or less mapped out for me already. i took a double math/double science/double humanities course, in preparation to pursue a science stream in JC. cuz it was the way to go. i'd always had a stronger interest in the humanities subjects - literature and history, namely. but i never did very well in these subjects.. so instead of pursuing my interests, i pursued expectations.

when i was in JC, of course i opted for a science course. i took Math, Economics and Physics. fucking brilliant idea that was. i basically failed all the way til my A level exams, which of course produced less than fantastic results. and the horrifying memories of my JC academics were brought back when one of the interviewers at one of my recent interviews asked "... i see that you did quite poorly for your A level results. why were your results so bad?"

yes yes. i know they're just trying to make things difficult for me intentionally. yes i know you're supposed to be confident and tell them the template answer of how it's irrelevant now, since you're getting a degree. but the horror. i thought i'd already gotten past all that.

and thanks to my A level results, i went into university and pursued an engineering course. because there weren't many options left. i wanted to take up music at another university, but my skills were less than polished, so i figured i wouldnt make it past the auditions. i did think of mass comm, but of course, you need good grades. and i didn't consider taking my education overseas, because we can't afford it.

so yes, i went down the path common to many students. i took up an engineering course. and flunked again.

things finally started looking up in my third year of studies. and my final year.

and now.. i am going to be a project engineer.

i was terrified about the whole transition thing. y'know. moving into a new chapter, moving back home, that kinda thing. it's a big big change. and i was afraid i'd be rushing into accepting the job because i really really really wanted to be sure it was what i wanted.

and y'know what the saddest thing is?

i don't really know what i want.

i've more or less lost sight of what's important to me, and what my dreams are. i've spent quite a long time trying to figure out who i really am, because in the flurry of excitement during the past 4 years, i think i've lost track of that too.

but i am thankful for the past 4 years, the people i've met, the work i've done. so many things i never imagined i'd do. thank you, to all the people i've crossed paths with - you've made me who i am today (and yes, i'm saying this with some bitterness in me).

[i am suddenly reminded of something i read somewhere before.. "i wasn't born a bitch - men have made me this way."]

its tragic, losing sight of whats important to you. its confusing and disturbing sometimes too. i guess all we can do is grab life by the balls and put up a good fight. live life to the fullest. do what you have to do, and what you want to do. love your family, love your friends, and love yourself.

maybe along the way, i'll find myself again.

random shots.

mei's last day in hall.

ugly photo taken last friday. thanks tiffy.

trixie and tiffy drink ice cream out of a tub.

manicure for 8 bucks! i like.

des and trix en route for campus interviews.

cheese.

2007-06-04T20:25:00.000+08:00

recently i've discovered a whole new dimension to television.. online. thanks to tiffy, i've decided to watch every episode of friends before i start work in july. and i'm gonna watch all these episodes on tv-links. what better way to spend your time than letting your brain rot out during the hols huh.

*
finally i have things to look forward to. lunch with mei on wed, results coming out on fri, bintan in a few weeks, start work in july. well. there are things i am already dreading about work, such as the travelling. but i guess its just a matter of getting used to. including sleep deprivation.

i really need to get that licence, pronto. and in the meantime.. before i get that licence, i'm going to save up for a second hand car. if i have to wake up at 6am to take a train to tuas every morning for the next few years, i'm going to turn 50 before i hit 30. and if i take a cab to work, it's going to cost more than getting a second hand car. i already did the math. its insane.

and i'm not gonna be one of those kids. i already told mom that if i do get a car, i'm going to pay for it myself. therefore its going to be a cheap second hand car. haha.

*
i'm still thinking about that tattoo. not sure if i should do it. hm.

*
the other day i took a train down to meet mom in town. while i was waiting for the train to move off, i felt just a bit odd. i was wearing a casual tube dress with a vintage retro print, which i am proud to say costs less than $30. along with this cutesy piece, i wore flip flops, my spunky dkny watch, listened to metallica and linkin park on my mp3 player, and was armed with a book, titled "the poet and the murderer". just suddenly felt very aware of how mismatched my entire assembly was. but i like it.

and i should dress up while i still can. i'm guessing once i start work, i won't have to anymore. hallo safety shoes, coveralls, hardhat and safety glasses. goodbye pretty clothes.

*
i went to the gym today. it's been a while, but still managed to hang in there for over an hour. the usual stuff.. cross trainer, indoor rower. also did a bit of weights for my flabulous arms. this is tricky cuz i don't want to end up like a bodybuilder. did some leg presses as well. came back tired, but satisfied.

oh well. its going to be july soon. need to keep in shape if i'm going to taking on a man's job. needs must, i guess. it's a good look i think. haha.

"you know what blows my mind? women can see breasts anytime they want. they just look down and there they are. how you get any work done is beyond me."

-joey, friends, season 1.

enough.

2007-05-31T18:37:00.000+08:00

i don't have very many friends. i am aware of this.

but the one thing that ticks me off the most, is that a person who claims to be you friend, lies.

you can steal a baby, rob a bank, chop off your hair, smoke pot, have mass orgies, i don't care. the one thing that bugs the hell out of me, and really truly pisses me off, is when you lie blatantly. and the only thing worse than a liar is a bad liar.

time and time again.

if you really want to be friends, i would really appreciate a bit of respect and honesty. thanks.

*
i bought a little flashcard thing from a novelty item store a few years ago cuz i thought it was funny, when really, i should have read it clearly and remembered it by heart. it says..

"Men are like...
Laxatives - They irritate the shit out of you
Teller Machines - Once they withdraw, they lose interest
Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth and usually head right for your hips
Parking Spots - All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped
Commercials - You can't believe a word they say
Government Bonds - They take son long to mature
Mascara - They usually run at the first sight of emotion
Popcorn - They satisfy you, but only for a little while
Lava Lamps - Fun to look at, but not very bright."

*

i am considering getting a tattoo. like slightly below my ankle. the word "strength". to keep me going. kinda poetic, don't you think? or perhaps an ankh. but i wouldnt know where to put an ankh.

would like to get liu's opinion on this. but you're busy smiling and laughing with people in sunshiney state florida. are your cheeks stiff yet? hehe. look on the bright side.. you will never need botox. :)

faithless.

2007-05-31T00:52:00.001+08:00

currently watching world music awards 2006. very cool. many hot and beautiful people. a lot of euro music though.

after a long day at the library doing nothing, ber and i went to hall 2 minimart to get some food. ber, being the precious gem that he is, offered to cook his girlfriend dinner, even though his last cooking stint was during his army days. so we scoped the minimart and the little market they have, and he decided on a combination of noodles, soup and luncheon meat.

while we were walking back, he was so happy and excited about the whole thing.

i miss that kind of feeling.

*
y'know when you're a little kid, you see cartoons of children wishing on a star? i sorta.. well. i sorta do that too when i'm really down or despondent sometimes.

but i'm starting to suspect i was wishing on wasn't a star. it was probably a fucking satellite.

*
ooh. waiting to get my carrie necklace in the mail this week. and i am considering buying a locket too. saw some cheap stuff online. quite pretty.

i noticed earlier on that the stage for world music awards is shaped like a dick. honestly it is. testicles and all. if i could find a picture of a view of the entire stage, i'd post it.

i need to remember i have a quiz on monday.

[quizonmondayquizonmondayquizonmonday]

disregard.

2007-05-30T15:31:00.000+08:00

currently in the school library. haven't idled here for a while. very very sleepy. the heat isn't helping.

went to meet des and ber for breakfast today, then headed over to the nanyang executive centre to accompany them during their job application/interview sessions. we went for 2 talks, got really bored, and decided to go for lunch. we basically spent the entire day doing nothing cuz des and i didnt go for any interviews, didn't submit any forms, and weren't really interested in the talks. we spent most of the time bitching, chatting and taking silly photos.

des left for his roadshow stint, and i came to the library to print out some stuff. there's about an hour to go before i head over to my lecture to review our group project (which i shamefully admit to not having contributed much).

*
yesterday evening, the topic of obsessive compulsive behaviours came up. ymca told me about the spaniard who has to doodle while he's on the phone cuz it helps in his train of thought.

this afternoon i started thinking about obsessive compulsive behaviours too, and started wondering if i had one. and to my horror.. i think i do. my obsessive compulsive disorder.. is that i worry. yep. i'm a worrier.

i worry about things that are yet to happen. i worry about things that may or may not happen. i worry about things that might happen if i choose a certain course of action, even before i've decided on that course of action. i take my mind off worrying about an issue by worrying about another issue. and this cycle ends only when i find a solution or give myself a satisfactory answer to the things i'm worrying about.

am i insane?

i don't know if this happens all the time, but i'm aware there is often unnecessary and unprecedented worrying. and it's really really tiring (just like how i'm dozing off in front of the comp now, and sitting in the ugliest and most unladylike manner; people are peering at me curiously).

*
i've decided to accept the job offer. oh gawd i'm going to be in the working class soon. whoopdeefuckingdoo. let's see how things turn out. jurong island, here i come.

[cringe]