hot.

When I get upset or mad and force myself not to think about it or force myself not to cry, my cheeks get hot and flushed and red.

I am angry because I feel like I just got screwed by the people I love. And while I understand that everything was purely unintentional and circumstantial, the only person walking away unhappy is me.

Because of circumstance. Because of the things I said.

Sick. Don't know what to do now.

These blog entries need to get happier. Stupid blog. Stupid me.

seedling.

It is getting increasingly difficult to be a good daughter, good girlfriend and good engineer all rolled into one.

Sometimes I feel like my life revolves around the people around me. My job, my parents, my friends, my boyfriend. "Anything you want, you got it." I strive so hard to make everyone around me happy, to be there for them. Every now and then a person or two is left out. I keep saying that I need to take a break, but I don't really feel like I have.

*

Why do people say things that hurt? Why do people lash out at you, and then walk away to go about the rest of their day as if nothing's happened, but it has? It hurts more when its the people you love who do this to you.

Sometimes I feel like telling them, "Do you know the things that you say hurt a lot?" but I'm worried that they will reply with, "So?". And then I will be totally crushed.

*

I wanted to do a short entry on the elections which have just passed. Its a historic day for Singapore. Many things have happened. I voted for the first time in my life. But I'm starting to get sick of it. So many people are taking this opportunity to make it a massive complain session, lashing out at people they don't even know. The power and influence of media is getting incredibly scary. So many things are taken out of contexts these days.

Maybe when I don't feel so tired (all the time), I might just jot down my thoughts on the elections. It's been an interesting experience.

disappointed.

Has it ever crossed your mind that I'm just like many women out there? Want to find someone I love, someone I want to marry, someone I want to start a family with? Other than the fact that we are of different religion, everything else is the same as what you wanted too, once upon a time. Why do you say these hurtful things when you are completely aware of the disappointment it inflicts? And when I retaliate when you say such things, you tell me I'm a disappointment. You say I've become more distant, you say it's like I don't live here anymore. But I feel so isolated because of the things you say. When I make an effort to bring you out for dinner, spend quality time with you, why must you say nasty things when all I want is to have a nice dinner with you? Whether it was intentional or not, I really don't want to know. I wish I had the courage to tell you all this face to face, but I know you'll just tell me I'm such a disappointment for saying all these things. That I don't care about how you feel.

Funny. I feel the same way too.

leave.

I don't think it's a period issue. I don't think it's hormones that's making me this way. Felt like this for quite a while now.

I want to disappear. Sometimes I feel like I'm so cooped up with everyone's problems that I've lost direction of my own. I love them all dearly. I want them all to be happy. I want to help them. But I don't know what to do with my own problems. My problems didn't disappear. They're still there. I don't think I will stop putting others' needs before mine. But... I just need... I don't know.

When I had dinner with my girlfriends last night I wanted to tell them how troubled and vexed I was... But I didn't. I don't know why.

I want to take a break. I suggested going for a short weekend getaway with my girlfriends and boyfriend and his friends. But now it seems that we can't fix a date yet because everyone's got commitments. I understand.

What I want is not a weekend. I want a long break. I want a break away from everything. I feel so weighed down.

Don't know what to do.

empty.

I always thought that getting married is a happy occassion.

You meet someone, fall in love, spend time together and realize he's the one you want to be with. You make plans for your home, your future together. The only problem is that we are of different religious backgrounds. I really do want to marry him. But it's been so difficult.

My parents are unhappy because they think we are intentionally choosing to buy a flat far away from them (it isn't that far really; we don't live in a big country). And that if anything happens, home will be too far away from me. But the thing is we're not intentionally trying to isolate them. Yes, we do want to lead our own lives, but the intention was never to shun anyone away. The whole bloody problem is that property is bloody expensive in Singapore, and my folks are living on a goldmine where the train station is just downstairs, and the shopping mall is just across the road. They don't believe me when I say the flats are expensive where we live now. Ok, so I was just spitting figures into the air when I told them I couldn't afford these flats. But now that I've done my homework and checked with about 5 or 6 agents, my worst fears are confirmed.

Not only is the supply extremely low in our area (duh; I wouldn't sell our flat either), the cost is extremely high. Sellers are asking anything from 40 to 50K COV cuz they know their property is hot stuff. Even for really old flats, tiny flats, flats on ground floor... This is the cost they are commanding.

When I tried to explain to my mom, she didn't really react. It's like she couldn't even be bothered.

She said she'd had a talk with my dad and they listed these conditions...

1. No changing name

2. Live near my family

3. Getting married in both religious and civil court

So I spoke to my boyfriend about it and the answer was yes, yes and yes to all the above. But we just had to find out whether we could actually do it. Which now it seems... Is getting incredibly difficult.

My folks even commented and said that we were being disrepectful cuz we didnt abide by the traditional wedding customs. Which I honestly have no idea about. And I did tell my mom. I told her outright that I am clueless about these things, so she has to tell me what she wants. And she too told me that she doesn't know. Then they turn around and tell me that we're not doing what is 'right'. The traditional customs. There's so much more... But. I don't know if it makes any sense to go on and on about it.

I don't want my parents to be unhappy. But I want to be happy too. I desperately want to be happy. I feel incredibly lonely amidst these problems. Sometimes I feel like I'm chasing an empty dream. Sometimes I feel like giving up.

I always thought it's already so difficult to find someone to settle down with. I feel like I'm being tested by someone above.

And work... Well. I've been chasing to get my job done. But I'm not really where I expected I'd be. I feel like I've been screwed royally by the people I trusted at work.

I feel like I need a break.

blankie.

So it's been a while since we've embarked on this crocheting journey... I've always had an on-again off-again interest in crochet thanks to Mom, but the interest and passion was fueled last year in an attempt to make my boyfriend a scarf for our Vietnam trip. In the process of experimenting and learning, I found out that a colleague/friend also shared the same interest, which is how our little blogshop was born. It's not much, we get by selling rose bouquets and earrings and brooches... Little baby steps. We do have full time jobs afterall, so this is just a little something to keep our interests going. :)

In the meantime... I have just completed a project! Blankie for darling Shumei's niece, baby Chloe! Her sister is due this week with Chloe so the completion is in good time! I love the colour combi, worked the blankie using grandma squares.... One BIG grandma square. Was a little worried it might start getting too heavy so stopped at this size. And also cuz I was running out of yarn. Used Sirdar Snuggly series; bought 6 balls and used most of it. So prettttyyyyyyy. Decided to go with a lavendar type colour scheme instead of the usual pink for baby girls... Good choice. So soft and snuggly... Me likey. :)

Yessah. Will go back to working on our current orders... And maybe finish up my cushion covers. Long overdue. :p

you jerk!

Caution: Foul blog entry ahead. Little boys and girls should not be reading this unsupervised.

So today while I was at work, one of my girlfriends brought something to my attention. Usually when we see such things online, we couldn't really care less, except maybe think, "you jerk".

But because it's MY girlfriend we're talking about, you bloody, self-centred sheep fucker.

Now I've been very courteous and polite and replaced his face with the only picture I see fit, and also I've replaced his original interests with what I felt are more... Genuine and true. The only thing I left untouched are the words listed under "Activities".

Does it make you feel good? You think it's funny? I don't care if you just randomly clicked a bunch of FB activities and that landed up on your profile page. Have some respect! You little piece of chicken shit.

While I've only met you a couple of times in school (the misfortune), my girlfriend has told me a fair bit about you, how you guys met, how you guys broke up. And while I consider it none of my business the stuff that goes on between 2 people in a relationship, I really cannot understand how a person like you can place yourself on such a high pedestal.

Singapore is too boring? Get out, and stay out. We don't need sheep fuckers like you. My girlfriend's too boring for you? Good lord, I think you were too boring for her! Do you know how incredibly unique and special she is??

(I actually wasn't this angry when I saw the FB page this afternoon, but after dinner, I'm really riled up now).

You are the type of guy who tramples on the feelings of others just to feel high and mighty, and that's how you will always feel good about yourself. It's not cuz you're an accomplished person, not cuz you've achieved much in life, but because you've gotten by putting others down.

You know you have mutual friends. You know. And yet, you cannot practice a wee little bit of discretion. So you feel good? Making someone else feel lousy? DO YOU?

(Somehow I really wish he were reading this).

The world doesn't revolve around you and your pretty new princess. Wake up. And while my girlfriend will get along with her life just fine, you will always find means and ways to make people feel small, just so you can feel big (probably the only thing big about you anyway). My girlfriend will go on and pursue her dreams and ambitions, and you will always be wondering how to overcome your erectile dysfunction small penis.

(deep breath in).

So yes, I have dedicated this entry to blasting you online, since my girlfriend was too generous and kind to do so. I, on the other hand, am not as nice, and not as generous.

Goodnight.